Peaces of Silence

My verse for this period of life, that I keep coming back to:

 

"Be still and know that I am God" - Psalm 46:10

 

Such a simple statement, but a lot is to be gained from that small verse... Be still, calm down and stop and wait (a lot of countries/religions have prayer times and healings that last for hours or even days, just sitting in silence praying)

And know that I am God... that encompasses so much. Know that I am God! That means He is more powerful and more strong than anything else coming at us! It means He is always there, He is always watching out for what is meant to be and what is right for us.

Also:

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:37-39

More than conquerors... we have the power, through Him, to conquer all of these worries, struggles, stresses, illness, anything! 

 

The key thing hidden in both of these verses is... We have to choose to accept it and use the power to be a conqueror... we have to choose to accept and admit our own failures and missteps. We must be still and contemplate, pray, meditate on things, or sometimes just be still... period. This country is constantly going, moving, working, eating, drinking, living. We have forgotten the value of silence and rest, true rest and true silence (inward, as well as outward). We wonder why there are so many heart problems, anger issues, digestive problems, and mental issues. We have shorted out our circuits and can no longer function! We need to take time to be still and know that He has our backs. He is God! He is our strength, He knows our troubles and HE can handle it! When we accept this and surrender to Him, then we can begin to heal and to breathe and to conquer! 

So, this holiday season... chill, relax, laugh, love, rest, smile! If something doesn't get done, someone doesn't get a card/gift, or you are late for a Christmas party... so what? The world will not shatter and life will not end! If someone says something or does something you don't like, be the bigger person and get over it! Pray for them to realize they're wrong (if they are) or pray for YOU to be free of your pride (if they aren't). And if there is something going on in your life that is bigger than all that, then realize that you cannot handle it on your own. Cast your burdens on Jesus and rest in His love and His peace and His strength. Be still and know that He is God and that YOU are more than a conqueror, through Him!

Take Five

It has been 5 years... I still cannot grasp how quickly these years have passed. Seems only yesterday we were walking down the path at Linear. Taking cautious steps toward something new, something exciting and different. Something that would end up being so amazing and so unexpectedly beautiful.
I think of the term "take five"... a rest, a time of reflection, a time to gather thoughts and move forward. It is appropriate for our 5th anniversary to take time to reflect on the past and all we've been through together and gather our thought for moving into our future together. To rest in our love and in God's love for us. I love you and I am so excited to "take five" with my best friend, my love, my soul. Happy anniversary, to my husband of 5 unbelievable years and a toast to many more


Tribute to a love I had not known
That which I had so yearned for
Amazing blessing from my Father
Something I have not earned
Yet given freely to have and hold
Interlaced and joined for a lifetime
Today I thank God for this gift
In humility, I pray for years ahead
To go by slow enough to cherish
Graceful pages filled with memories

I pray for hills gone over together
For beautiful aged gray embrace Polishing silver and golden unity
Forever may our hands interlace


This is my solemn vow to You
To never forget this beauty, this life
His smile like a sunrise at my beckon call
His touch, as close as heaven comes
On this earth, comfort like a warm blanket
Believing in me and challenging my dark
As I scream disappointment and doubt
He extracts apologetic love from places
I alone cannot find, desperately searching
Together we will plant our flag, stake claim
To this unexpected, sudden new world
Of ups and downs, relinquishing control
For better or worse, sickness and health
Today, tomorrow, forever
Yes, of course... I do

Honey, I'm Home

Shotgun at the ready, cocked and loaded
Thinking about doing away with these plans
Thinking of letting loose and letting go
Shooting holes in white picket fences
Giving up like a good quitter should
No more wishing and hoping and thinking and praying
For something that may never come to pass
And why should it? Why me over you?
I surely don't deserve any more than I have
But maybe there's a small chance that I do
But is what I deserve truly what I want?
Do I even know what I want anymore?
Wanting and needing
Thinking and knowing
Don't always mesh, don't always work
Who am I to decide? Just a vessel, I suppose
My own best friend, my own worst enemy

In reality, just a coward inside
My thoughts, feelings, and plans
A more bold and exciting version of me
Exists on the flip side of this person I've become
But reality spins me full circle again
Never follow through, never take a stand
So I'll carefully slide it back into the holster
Warm on my hip, it sleeps and waits
For my mind is a carousel, spinning in circles
Each thought passes round, then gone in flash
But you can be sure, it will return again
In one revolution of this torturous ride
Where the music stops, the thoughts subside
Nobody knows, so I sit and stare
My mind spinning around and around
Right before my bloodshot eyes

Obsolete

Folded like origami
Into shapes and sizes
Out of pieces
Torn and discarded

Scraps of fiber
Woven tightly into something
Warm and comforting
Beautiful

Leftover portions
Blend into one flavor
One of a kind
A recipe to cherish

Broken, shattered granules
Ground into almost nothing
Together, like a blanket
A playground of summer smiles

Collages made of things once deemed useless
Connected and combined, they form a special something
Something of value, of worth, of meaning
Never look at little pieces, scars, decisions, memories...
As something to be thrown away, forgotten, ignored
All these tiny things have their purpose and can be used
Nothing useless, nothing worthless, nothing pointless
Something good can come of this
Something amazing from something ordinary
Do not give up on it, just because it looks like nothing
For without nothing... Something has no meaning

Life In A Blur

These yearnings and hesitations keep fighting one another for a compromise that seems impossible. Perfectionism and laziness lock horns and keep me sedentary. A losing battle, a hopeless cause, confusing and consuming, I cannot stand it any longer. Others start to notice and point out the lack of change. What if this never goes away? What if that never comes to pass? One day all the yesterdays will catch up with me, then I'll be old and disappointed, disheartened, disenchanted... with nothing to show for myself except a lifetime of what ifs and somedays, stuck in a rut, making excuses, hiding behind or running away from failures that were never given a chance to fail. Each second turns to hours, which multiply to months, and soon a decade has gone by like a tornado... never saw it coming and now it's gone. Life... such a complicated, frustrating, exciting, depressing word. Is it a blessing or a curse? Who is really living it? When will it end or begin... and will I know the difference? Blurring fantasy with reality, today with yesterday... not knowing how to make distinctions needed in order to do something so simple. To live and breathe, just to make it through... one day at a time

Inside the Blue

Inside the blue
I wade and wander
Reaching out from within

Inside the grey
My eyes cloud over
Fog envelops all

Inside the white
I see a future
Blank canvas of hope

Inside the pink
Feminine freedom
I am a child again

Inside the green
A chance to change
And just to be, exist

Inside the black
Spiraling darkness
Comfort in this place

Inside the yellow
You are my sunshine
New decisions bloom

Inside the brown
Dirty and mindless
I'm covered in shame

Inside the orange
Tempers flaring
Fire burns much deeper

Inside the red
A silent yearning
Pounding in my skull

Inside the blue
I return to this
My cold, pure truth


For inside of me
The colors blur
They fade in and out

Inside this palette
Someday, I believe
I may just find myself

Something Special

Its in a look, a glance, shared and understood
It's in a smile, a tear, landing in a common pool
It's in the laughter, the love, cherished together
It's in the sights, the smells, things that made home
It's in a feeling, a heartache, burning deep within
It's in your eyes, your heart, memories we hold
It's in the knowledge, the comfort of tomorrow
It's in a place where we will finally meet again

Slight of Hand to Mouth

Colder, darker, deeper, farther
from the truth, from the past
present, future heartaches
headaches, beating, burning
fire licks the night skies, stars
aligning, creating works of art
gallery of pain, vulnerable
new, fresh hurt and scars
remain in place, forever
always there to remind us
memories, scraps of life
death, falling down and out
to sea with crashing waves
of nausea, of anxiety for now
today, a choice to move along
the winding road to nowhere
nothing, something, anything at all
in all that's taken from me, writing
poems, lyrics, stories from within
without another look behind
in a rearview mirrored self
closer than appears, I'm here

Over It

Over and under and all about
Wandering, weaving in and out
Searching and staring above and below
Pacing, discerning, to stay or to go
Coming and going, here and there
Empty, blank and bewildered stare

What is this place? Where am I?
Jump up, lie back down with a sigh
A dream or a nightmare, reality calls
At last say goodbye, pull over the palls
For this place has become a prison cell
No tears, no regrets, no note of farewell
Just a faint imprint on the pillowcase
Too exhausted with life to finish the race

Don't waste another second on her
Take your steps away, up and over
For tomorrow will erase all memory
Of the dream that never came to be

Any Someone Else

I'm not better than anyone else
I just know better than someone else
I'm not prettier than anyone else
I'm just more real than someone else
I'm not more Christian than anyone else
I just feel Christ more than someone else
I'm not healthier than anyone else
I'm just more conscious than someone else
I'm not happier than anyone else
I just live differently than someone else

I'm not like anyone else
I'm just more me than someone else

I'm unapologetically, indescribably, frustratingly, mind-numbingly, self loathing, simply complicated me

Last Step

When your smile is fading, the light disappears
Where there's nothing but darkness, faces of fears
Staring and chasing you down as you run
Solace and peace in the form of a gun
But what lies beyond this seeming escape
Dark shadows and demons begin to take shape
Can't help but wonder which fate is worse
The drama and pressure of chapter and verse
Or the torture of throwing this story away
All consuming fire making ashes of today
But tomorrow seems too hard to bear
When, little by little you've ceased to care
What lurks in wait, behind the other door
And whether this is all worth fighting for
A blanket of prayer has covered you
Until you decided you know not what you do

Written in the Stars

Folded and creased, as if this were not the first time
Eraser marks and water stains leave memories of pain
Couldn't even articulate my feelings in my last moments
Seem like such a failure, such a disappointment to all
Words wont even flow when these are my final ones
So let the silence speak its volumes, if it wishes
Take from this what you will, or turn away and forget
My time here like a firefly, flickers then seems to disappear
Forgotten within seconds, until another flicker shines
But in a meadow filled with fireflies, who will notice one?
For, like stars in the night sky, they all can look alike
While some shine brighter, others fade away into dark
And burning sunshine comes to scare them all away
So after one has gone, the light will bring warmth again
People become only memories and life goes on
A melancholy portrait of the night sky, stars or souls
Who knows what became of those missing dots of light
Certain only that dawn will break and morning comes again

Quieted

Cold and burning, you bring such feelings
Senses of relief, comfort, betrayal, hurt, love,
You silently intertwine us together forever,
Not knowing, not feeling, not hearing, not seeing,
You are my lover, my demon, my child, my enemy,
Where are you taking me inside of my mind?
Just remember, I belong back here in perfect depression,
The dark reality of this burning, sober truth,
Golden darkness enveloping my soul and keeping me here,
Something I must accept and move on from, life as I know it,
Today and tomorrow, spreading like wildfire,
Taking over, living life as though there were no yesterday,
Only tomorrow, to face or hide from, a choice, a truth, today

Falls

Something's not quite right here
A feeling, a song, a memory
Teeters on the edge, on the brink
Of another day, another choice

Fleeting normalcy, still evading
My mind is a waterfall, rushing over the edge
With bone crushing force and mind numbing power
Yet, at a distance the sound so peaceful, the view so beautiful
Never suspecting the danger in its helplessness

Un-Perfect

There's something refreshing and beautiful in authentic, real, & true

A change in the atmosphere that can spread all around you

When every word is truly meant to be taken exactly as it's spoken

A promise may be a promise, but only until it's broken

This plastic, shiny, sparkling beauty that seems to be your goal

Just a programmed, varnished image designed to fill a hole

Inside of you, inside of me... Something just doesn't seem right

But its easier to smile and nod and never put up a fight

Reality is this: some of us can tell, maybe more than meets the eye

It's much more obvious than you imagine, we just don't see why

What's so wrong with anger, sadness, frustration, tears, & screams?

Beautiful is letting go and making known our fears and dreams

The most precious in ourselves is found in what we try to hide

Flaws and doubts and feelings aren't meant to stay inside

This smile and way of speaking, watching what you say

This will break, shatter to pieces and reveal itself someday

So, from one un-perfect human to another, I challenge you

When someone asks "How are you?", wonder if they knew

All your thoughts and feelings, if they could read you like a book

Don't answer with a canned response, take a second look

Graveyard Shift

Rising like steam, it comes
Infiltrating morning with murky haze
Hard to see, hard to breathe
As though watching life through a screen
Like nothing else, not real, not true
Cringing at every sound
Wondering how close or how far
Uncomfortable, uneasy, unprotected
Blind to the unknown


Seeking and searching, hands reach
To grasp at something, anything familiar
Anything real and tangible in the fog
Fear and doubt seep through cracks
Enemies of the light, creatures of night
Safe and dangerous all at once
Wrapping up in warm embrace
While shivers consume each vertebrae
A numbing daze, transforming


Tomorrow no memory remains
For, like a dream it fades away
But its vengeance still awaits and lurks
In the shadows, in the quiet lull
The next tomorrow comes too soon
Where nightmares seem like dreams
The sun cowers behind the clouds
As the smoky wraith quietly returns
To shroud the horizon once again

Mirage

Being something, but feeling nothing
A curse and a blessing, according to some
Deep within, crying out to be heard
A smiling face, a sliding tear, an angry scowl
Which of these is normal, which is real
When there are none, just an emptiness
The thoughts that once flooded the mind
Burning and spreading like a plague
Plans, failures, hopes, disappointments
Now just a precious, fading mirage
Erased and replaced by the darkness
A blank stare communicating nothing
Just a void inside of well placed armor
Features and feelings only a memory
As the shadows prevail in this nightmare

Just Another Today

One day... not today
But tomorrow... or maybe the next
Was it meant to be yesterday?
Or the day before that?
Who can say, from day to day
When and where we are
Were we meant to be?
Meant to say, meant to do, meant to live?

But for now... for this day
The today that was yesterday's tomorrow
And is tomorrow's yesterday
I will yearn for tomorrow, grieve for yesterday
And try my best to remember
That today is just another day
Until you make it something more
More than just another regret
Just another wasted yearning
Just another yesterday, today

When Skies Are Gray

Like no other, wipe my tears away
Chair rocks front and back, lullaby
Like no other, tender hugs and kisses
Protector, provider, crying shoulder
Like no other, love no matter what
Heart beats and breaks for me
Like no other, holding nothing back
Offering everything you have and more
Like no other, strength from deep inside
Give your all to guard against my fears
Like no other, a light of comfort
Someone when there's no one
Like no other, arms outstretched
No matter what I've said or done
Like no other, I can hardly imagine
Hoping to be half the woman you are

The only greater love than this
Can be God's amazing love
For when I think of you, Mom
This is the closest I've come
To understanding how He can love us
No matter what we've done
This is the incomprehensible, unconditional, perfect, selfless love of our Father...
The love I see modeled in you

Thank you for seeing my sunshine even when the dark consumes and I cannot see for miles away
Happy Mother's Day

Doors Better Left Unopened

I'm way too preoccupied by other people in my life... while none of them probably think on me for more than a few seconds, I stress away over details about people who I am close to or would like to be closer to. I THINK TOO MUCH... Analyzing every word and every action, wondering why or how or what... I put so much of myself into the details... the yeses and nos of friends or so-called friends, their subtle movements or tones while they talk and talk and talk and I just listen and bank those details, while not even being able to remember what I ate for dinner the night prior... I want to give, but I cannot comprehend that there is anything I have worth giving... so I stay silent and introspect to the point of exhaustion and break down... I invite and invite and I host and I host... I stress and consider canceling the day before each event, then enjoy it while it lasts and obsess about what did or didn't, was or wasn't during said event... I feel such a sense of entitlement and deserving, yet hate myself and get sick with disappointment at the mere thought of my existence... I judge and condemn those I disagree with or who have hurt me in some way, then turn around and stick up for them the second anyone else says a bad word about them... I am a loyal bitch. What can I say? I am sensitive yet hardened, judgmental yet open minded, miserable yet ecstatic, mean yet nice... I will give you the benefit of the doubt while expecting the worst of you. Are a few of these screws loose? Probably. But what do I know about carpentry?? I say, this is who I am... love it or leave it. But if you leave it, you better watch out for the aftermath. And if you love it, you better hang on for dear life. Because this roller coaster, free fall, hurricane that is me... it's guaranteed to make you second guess your decision to stay.

Colorfast

Sometimes I feel like the colors have washed out of the fabric of my life...
Like I have been burning inside, bleeding colors into everything around me only to end up faded and empty
That is the reality of this life... feeling so bright and vibrant and real
Until one day (or hour) later, when you're left in the most grey dullness imaginable
Wrung out, limp, emotionless... ready to give up and fade away, as if this life never was real to begin with
As though we were never here... smiles, laughter, tears, screams, all emotions drained out and forgotten
All that's left is the empty stare burning into the white walls surrounding me
Any recollection of passion and motivation, dreams and fantasies, plans and expectations... lost in the fog
Like a coloring book with no pictures to color, no lines to stay within
No beginning and no end, just page after page of nothingness where only hours earlier beautiful pictures lived
Some filled in with care, in a variety of colors... some scribbled and scrawled on, with reckless exhilaration
Minute to minute, hour to hour, month to month, year to year... changes like night and day
Terrifying, exciting, debilitating, comforting, frustrating, eluding, overbearing, welcoming, destroying...
The rise and fall, the beautifully hideous, the perfectly flawed... here today, gone tomorrow inside my mind

Seaside Reverie

First step off the boards, shockingly hot and prickly
Second step, cooler and softer...
Wind sweeps the hair from your face
Closer to the rushing calmness, leaving footprints behind
Finding the perfect spot to come to rest
Drop and set up your own little paradise
Sink into the cold, damp mush... toes curl over tiny pebbles
Contrast of the hot to cold, just right
Burying your stress deep beneath
Lifting handfuls, spread your fingers, soon empty again

So simple and carefree under the sun
Quiet birdsong, giggles, airplanes
Interactive soundtrack, complete with smells, sights, touch
Fishy, salty air fills your senses
Visions of umbrellas, kites, boats
Castles made with innocent determination and imagination
Lean back, breathe in and out
Soaking up rays of precious gold

Time to test the waters, a rush of excitement and dread
Standing just at the edge, afraid to move
But it comes anyway, creeping closer
Shrieking, you tiptoe further and further, then run for shore
Eventually numbness takes your limbs
Giving in to the sparkling beauty
Diving with each crashing wave, floating away in your mind
Lips turn salty, skin is raw and dry
Your hair plastered into frizzy knots

But only fun and laughter can be seen from shore to shore
Even as the redness starts to show
And tired muscles start to ache
You never want to leave this place of wonder and peace
On the way, anticipation grew
Heading home, reality sets in
What once was a weekend away, now feels like only hours
A fairytale, turned inside out
Happily ever backwards

Vacation, Retreat, Escape, Renewal...Only for fleeting moments
Inevitably repose will fade away
We go back to the daily routine
But somewhere deep inside we hold the cherished memories
And we silently anticipate return
To the sand, the water, the song
Where ocean meets land, heaven meets earth, and we forget ourselves again

Like, Oh My Gosh!

Seeing the good in everything, the pure in everyone
You go about your day with a smile on your face
Each moment treated like a gift, God's blessing for you
Everyone must have something to offer this world
You believe in what is right and true, naive to the core
Your days are filled with joy and optimistic spirit
Trusting and providing for the ones who cannot see

When the world sees you smile and hears you speak
They judge and say you are a fool, a dreamer
You cannot truly be this happy, this content in life
Do you not realize the hurt and pain all around us?
Can you not see how foolish and immature you are?
They worry for your innocence, you'll only end up hurt
Eventually someone will take advantage of your heart

But Jesus says to trust and hope, to see the good in all
He tells us to be faithful, never give up on our brothers
Offering a kind hand to anyone willing to take hold
Not judging or condemning them, but meeting them halfway
You follow in the footsteps laid our for all of us to take
Believing in mankind as what we were once created for
Trusting in His promises that He will redeem and reward
Those of us who laugh it off, who smile and keep on

~~Dedicated to two girls I know who give me a cavity every time they speak~~

Lime Rickey

The matters of me and the powers that be
The white in the light and the vision of sight
The dark of the cold and the anger we hold
The ignorance of bliss and the reality of this
Tomorrow, today is all we can say
When redemption is near and we're frozen in fear
There's a silence in grace while stuck in this place
So you and I know we're beginning to grow
And yesterday's gone, prepare for the dawn
When the earth is broken and His voice has spoken
Leaving this all behind, seek and ye shall find

Magnetize

How can you give me my space while backing me into a corner?
How can you pull me close while pushing with everything you've got?
How can you smile so beautiful then turn around with evil eyes?
How can you touch so softly only to keep such a distance from me?
How can I be so perfect when I'm the opposite of all that you need?
How can our souls align when two sides lock horns in frustration?
How can encouragement divine turn to words of hot resentment?
How can we float so high above then come crashing to the pavement?

The contradiction, co-mingling spirits, aggravation, two hearts beat as one...
This beautiful, hideous, utopian nightmare in black and white color vision
So much confusion in clear, bright daylight... brings laughter from tears, passion from fury
And this creature, this monster, this blessing, this curse... Supernatural journey from start to finish
Taking up arms to fight for the good times and absolve the rest, to never give up, give in to the enemy of this...
This ridiculous, amazing, surprising thing...
This gift of forever with you

Exposed

Ribbon tied tightly to hold back strands of your shroud
What has hidden your face from the others for so long
Covering tears and sadness creeping down your cheek
Blushing inner beams of attraction, bashful glances
Angry furrowing brow, fuming scowls of rage
Blank and empty stares, numbing every feeling
All these and others are now exposed for all to see

Suddenly the urge to pull, freeing locks of comfort
Pretenses returning to their place, ready and waiting
Your hands nervously fidget with the silky laces
As you fight to keep the smile from breaking
Plan once designed to preserve precious self worth
Now feeling like temptation to become like them
Unapologetic, show your face, your truth, your soul
Keep the ribbon tied tight, emotion reads sincerity
Pull it loose to hide in shame the mess that you are

Have you become such a coward? Who are you?
Maybe veils are easier, be safe, ignored and unheard
But authentic self, unafraid and unashamed courage
Proudly walking in your own truth, is it worth this?
And what happens when you've disguised too long?
When truth is blurred and broken, self is lost in shadows
What then will become of you? Faceless and mute
Passing through the crowds like a ghost, unseen, unheard
Velvet ribbon now lies shredded and stained underfoot
And raven tresses rejoin the facade to keep you lost
Hidden inside yourself, as melancholy sighs in the dark

Smile and hurl

Written several months ago, but only now publishing... when I re-read it I didn't even remember writing it... The mind is a strange and dangerous, confusing place...

Sometimes I kill myself inside my mind
I wake up and every part of the day that goes by gets more and more difficult
More difficult to breathe, more difficult to think
More and more difficult just to exist
I want things that my mind cannot grasp and so it shuts down
It tells my body not to move, to sit alone in my cocoon
Smile as the world flies by, as my life flies by
Paralyzed, absolutely paralyzed by something I dont understand
Something I cannot comprehend, even if I think I'm getting close
They say pray, they say trust, they say keep going, keep believing
Keep smiling
Broken, crooked and cracked,
Filthy, sagging, and hideous
This smile is not for sale
This smile is not for what it seems
Cannot be forced or fashioned by someone to whom it doesn't belong
You don't own my smile
My smile... what a silly concept
Unreal, untrue, unimaginable


When I wake up and everything is on my shoulders, standing on the edge
The edge of a slippery, steep, cold slope of today's disappointments
I cannot help but imagine lying there at the top of the hill
Lying there to freeze to death in the cold comfort of the icy hilltop
Where everything is easier, everything is clearer, everything can be seen from up there
How can I rationalize climbing that hill,
Only to hurl myself down to the bottom on these flimsy slabs of metal and plastic?
But to give into the weight of the world on my shoulders
Self absorbed, holier than thou, better than you, control freak, judgmental, bitch
Misunderstood
Misinformed
Misjudged
Misused
Miss Drama Queen

Who am I?
Am I at the top of the mountain, at the bottom, or already hurling through trees and rocks?
Am I smiling, frowning, scowling, crying, or expressionless?
Am I caring, selfless, sentimental, beautiful, amazing, perfect?
Am I ignorant, evil, rude, self righteous, ugly, useless, unlovable?
Is there even a point in wondering?
I am me!
Do you accept me?
Do I even accept me?
Am I even me??
I am... inside me... I am
Who are you?

The Words

Sometimes words just flow like tears
Coming on suddenly, without warning
Lasting for what seems like forever
But never expressing enough
There will always be more to come
Deep within, it creeps to the surface
Dormant for so long, it bleeds out
Dripping with emotion, ups and downs
Often with despair, often with joy

Sometimes, however... they do not come
The silence inside is overwhelming
Cracking like dry clay, wasting away
The emptiness takes hold of all
As though nothing real or true remains
Consuming fire turns triumph to ashes
Cobwebs and dust begin to take shape
Time sweeps by, days turn to months
Seems as though the words will never return

What a fickle thing these words are
Coming and going as they please
Filling the soul with frustration, confusion
Indecisive and volatile, with golden breath
They breathe hope, then grief to our hearts
They bring us closer, while tearing us apart
A writer's curse, the broken mind
When words come calling, a rush of life
But when they forsake us, silent ruins

Anxiety Revealed

Keeping on, like masks from an old trunk in the attic
When there is nothing, here you will find something
To be confronted with this dusty old cobweb
Of buried emotions and hidden memories, thoughts
Arisen from ashes once sealed with a smile
For tomorrow has come, baring jagged teeth
Consume your soul with doubt and avoidance
No longer will you think, cry, laugh... feel
But motion by motion you'll be led to forget
And re-position the smile and mechanical moves
That keep you going and going until the end
When all of your masks will hide nothing but regret

Choice

Breathe in and out
Take a moment
Stop and listen
Wait for the light

Red to green
Skipping amber
Move forward again
Give it all away

You cannot say
This is in your mind
All in your head
Not screwed on tight

Searing and sizzling
Sounds of choices
Spinning around around
Never slowing down

Then green turns to red
Skipping amber
Sudden and forced
Heart is pounding

Hit the ground
Look up, finally
Missed your chance
All alone and cold

The rats come creeping
Out from sewers
Ready for you to go
Home to the depths

Now you realize
Selfish denial relived
As the gates open
And the flames rise

Sickening grin flashes
As serpent slinks away
Into the darkness
Leaves only silence

A Little Bit Of Everything

When I remember my Grandma I think about a little bit of everything

A little bit of her kind heart, a little bit of her brave spirit, of her feisty sense of humor, a little bit of her warm smile, of her generous nature, and more than a little bit of her faith in God

Just like at family dinners, where she would always try a little bit of everything

She was always willing and open to finding the good in what she was given

You would never spend more than 5 minutes with her without seeing a smile on her face

She was not one for petty gossip or judgment, and always had good things to say about someone

She loved her family and her church and would take interest in anything you were willing to share

You could plan to visit for only a short time and end up spending hours at the house

Simply because she would ask about everything and would listen to every word

All while offering you anything but the kitchen sink (and maybe even that, if you asked nicely)

A fridge stocked with sodas and ice cream, an envelope full of coupons, duplex cookies in the brown tin, licorice bites from the cross-stitched jar, or pink thingies from the tupperware canister

You could always feel welcomed and accepted at Grandma and Grandpa's

They have given such a beautiful example of family and they are a shining light of hope for marriage

If the term "fighting like an old married couple" could be found in the dictionary

There would be a picture of my grandparents along with it

They bickered about what day who called or what grandpa ordered last time they were out

Of course this almost always came to the conclusion that grandma was right and grandpa was wrong

But just inside the bickering was an obvious deep love and respect for one another

A love that anyone who met them could tell would last forever

I thank God that I was blessed to spend my life in the company of this love and in the company of such an extraordinary woman, my grandmother

~ RIP ~ Mabel Fern Amand "Grandma" ~ 1925-2010 ~
Obituary Link 

Fragility

Fragile is life
One day we are laughing
The next we are grieving

Morning shines us awake
Darkness comes within hours

Fragile is life
Selfish feuds seem so silly
When today is all we have
Beauty in knowing one another
Accepting, flaws and all

Fragile is life
Today is a gift
Tomorrow a privilege
Please remember me after
Please love me before

Fragile is life
Warmth becoming cold
So sudden, without warning
Cherish and hold dear
Value in one another

**~~**

For fragile lives perish
Gone in an instant
Past cannot be found
When future is here
So hold onto today
Don't wait for tomorrow
As a painting on the wall
The contrast in our lives
Makes for precious art

Love, live, be
Never let the moon rise
Before you've basked in the sunlight
Never let the stars shine
Before you've bathed in the blue sky
Feel the warmth, feel the beauty
That is life

Fragile is life
Take good care
Before it shatters and fades away

Fractured Reality

Shards of who I am lie scattered in the basin
Slowly drowning in rushing water as it flows
Over imperfections and potential
Hidden in each piece of this glass
Reflects and casts light on every flaw
Turning to a pool of tears and defeat

The water escapes, along with tiny remnants
All splayed out, misshapen and distorted
Shaking my head, I keep turning away
Doubt turns to anger, turning to emptiness
Gives way to the nothing I've transformed into
Nothing to lose, nothing to give, nothing to be


Who will risk themselves for this?
To pick up pieces of broken self
Reach into scalding water, red with blood
Burned and cut up for your cause, and for what?
Denied and ignored, even after all this
Even as I reach out in anger, pushing away
Knocking them from your open hands

But still... outstretched and torn apart
Again, you are picking up pieces of me
Silently, with tears in your eyes
Waiting to offer restoration and hope
As the black rushes over, gripping tightly
Like thorn covered vines, holding on for dear life
Rising up from the drain to claim pieces

Holding nothing back, fury bubbles and boils
For the darker the water, gets harder to see
The pieces sink deeper into the mess
I take my steps away, turning my back
From the war that ensues over scraps
Of identity, truth... of life, death and reality
In my bathroom sink

Finding Truth

Muffled cries of defense penetrate the silence
But you cannot hear

Shaded smiles of forgiveness break the tension
But you cannot see

Open dialogue is welcome in this safe place
But you cannot speak

Tomorrow comes, with or without you
Blessed with ears, eyes, and a voice... but how will you use them?

Come out of your self obsessed shell
Open yourself to a world of respect
For others, from others... For God, from God

Creating a personalized world of safety and comfort
This is not truth, this is not real, this is not life
Easy is a myth, bipartisan a fantasy
"Your truth"... "Your God"
"My truth"... "My God"
No such thing... Truth is Truth

Seek and ye shall find, but what ye find may not be truth

"But I am afraid that, just as Eve was deceived by the serpent's cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ. For if someone comes to you and preaches a Jesus other than the Jesus we preached, or if you receive a different spirit from the one you received, or a different gospel from the one you accepted, you put up with it easily enough." - 2 Corinthians 11:3-4

Be still

To the daybreak
Dew drops and rainbows collide with grey skies of pain

To the morning
Shake off and start new in pastel, breathe in and out

To the afternoon
Choices of today are embraced or wasted, up to you, up to me

To the evening
Nightfall covers bright colors of sunset, contemplating past and future

To the midnight
Should be wrapped in dreams and rest, eyes wide open to the dark

To tomorrow
Distant uncertainty, yet closer than we can bear

To right now
Seconds passing, turn to minutes, turn to hours

Spent coming, going, doing, thinking, planning, praying, worrying, wondering, breathing, smiling, crying, laughing, fighting, loving, eating, drinking, purging, playing, reading, asking, dancing, hearing, ignoring, seeing, trying, driving, screaming, shopping, staring, sleeping, numbing, holding, grieving, existing, never stopping
Going... going... gone

Be still and know

He is holy

We are flawed

Sin is inevitable

Life goes on

Cannot rewind

The choice is ours

Be still and know

Beauty

Despite the fact that, supposedly Dove is affiliated with Axe (whose commercials objectify and degrade women and humanity)... I do respect what they're trying to do here with the campaign for real beauty and exposing real women, wrinkles, fat rolls, age spots, freckles, imperfect teeth and all. That beauty comes from the inside out, through self esteem, compassion, honesty, and maturity.

Beauty is in the eye of the Creator...
If we all saw one another (as well as ourselves) through His eyes...
Beauty would take on a whole new meaning

Please click on the links below to watch these videos and share them with your daughters, your granddaughters, and your son & grandsons as well. Then discuss and affirm others, so we can all accept our true beauty and never try to be someone we're not.

Evolution

Onslaught

Empty Arms

So easy, so simple

Just hold and let go

Wait 3 and check

Vertical or horizontal

Then into the basket

So easy, so simple

So easy, so simple

Cliche commercials

Just a few seconds

Everything changes...

Or nothing does...

So easy, so simple

Let down disappointment

Useless, hopeless,empty

Rock-a-bye silence

Reminders everywhere

Anything but easy

Scared and alone

Terror in a $10 box

Don't judge me, don't leave me

Take on or give away

Anything but simple

So easy, so simple

Little manufactured play house

Just like Mommy

Wound up doll cries and laughs

Plastic childhood dreams

So easy, so simple

A single, quiet tear

Slides down her cheek

A single, quiet tear

Torn from his heart

Slowly breaking down

Confidence and hope

Leaves bitterness and pain

And one lingering question

Why them, not me?

Sole Souls

Sugary crystals falling head over heels
Quickly gather and fuse together
A blanket of shimmering frozen stars

Beautiful when undisturbed
Obliterated with just one step
So fragile, so precious
Wonders of God's hand

Look closer to see the truth
Each one perfect and unique
But stand back and take in
A sea of ivory diamonds
Becomes a monochrome blur

Keep in remembrance
The singular elegant gem
Camouflaged in numbers

But magnificent and worthy
With or without them

Flames of Change

Spark and falter
Burn and smolder
Dangerous light in the dark
Brightly crackles and warms
Only to become hidden searing pain
Quickly growing, changing pattern

Out of control and licking the clouds
Taking over in the dead of night
Sparkling, crackling, peace in silence
Now becoming the death of millions
Overtaking old lives with destruction
Skeletons of the past left standing

What now? A new beginning?
Starting over from nothing, a silent reward
Fire destroying all that we once held
Comfortable, dear to our hearts
But secretly holding us back
Keeping us from new growth
Moving forward to leave the past behind

Ashes of yesterday slowly disappear
Soaked in tomorrow's promise of rain
Tiptoeing away in the night with the breeze
Even as we hide and weep in sorrow
Mourning memories and complacency
Tomorrow comes, a grim reminder

Somewhere the sun still rises and sets
With each day, a strength we do not know
Keeps us going, keeps us breathing
Meant for something more, we look up
But if only for a fleeting moment
Something so simple, yet so difficult
Focus and hold tight, choose healing

As the clouds pass in the sky above
Behind them is a light so bright and renewing
Next day may bring darkness again
More thunderstorms and pain
But without the rain, we will fade away
Perfection unattainable here
What does light mean without a darkness?

The Clouds Keep Moving

Searching and seeking are most precious things
Everyone is entitled to search for their own contentment
Problems arise when contentment has been reached but ignored
Passed over, forgotten...

Everything in life can be taken too far, too long
Faith is believing without seeing, so close your eyes and step forth
Rather than standing, stubbornly in place with eyes wide open
What good is seeing when you cannot touch and enjoy?

So many amazing things are missed while we are busy looking down
Cautiously checking
Are we on the right path or about to fall?
Just look up and enjoy
Beauty above us, stop and see
As we move through life, digging for answers, forming new questions
The clouds keep moving across the sky, whether we notice
Or not
They wait for no one, and once they've gone...
Only grey, dark skies remain

Arise

Worldly self, leave me!
Wipe the crust from my eyes
Sound the alarms and open my ears
But most of all...
Revive this empty heart
Polish off this tarnished soul
Lead me back to Him
Lead me back to me
Worldly self, leave me!




"Arise and be all that you dreamed" - Flyleaf

"This is your life and today is all you've got now, today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes, this is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger, and you had everything to lose" - Switchfoot

Tiny Booming Voice

How does a voice bigger than life remain so mute?

Fractured smiles and thoughtless laughs sugarcoat the emptiness
Emptiness crying out to be filled with the spirit
Spirit of life, spirit of love, spirit of growth, spirit of wholeness

Screaming from the Lover of Souls
Goes unnoticed and unappreciated
Like muffled pillow screams of pain
Crying out, broken and betrayed by wordly waters
Thirsty for something deeper, thicker
Something real

Yet here we stand, deaf and blind
While He is running in place against walls
Brick walls we have assembled with care
His arms open, eyes wide & weeping in frustration

And where are You?
Can't You see me?

What have we done?
Where have we been?

How can a voice screaming so loud
Still be unheard, yet so yearned for?

Marathon

If something is truth, believing is golden
But where to draw the line?
Something raw and sacred, cannot be replaced
Seared into your mind
Take this from me, hold out your hand
Fresh and new beginning
Patience not expected, not taken for granted
Running the race but never winning
Just the fact that you tried, you gave your best
Anonymity is truly a gift
Surprising fulfillment in honorable mention
Overtaking, refreshing water rushes
Do you feel this today?
Adequate and loving it
Precious and divine you are
Never give in, never quit

a prayer of desperation

God be with them
God where are they?
God don't forsake us
We know not what we do
She knew not what she did
God soothe the pain
God bring comfort
God show Your face
He's crying out inside
God lead us back
God hold us up
God bring peace
She was blinded by circumstance
God where are You?
God where are we?
God shake us out of this
We are caught up in ignorance
God please forgive us
God reach out for us
God understand this
They saw no way out
God offer guidance
God please have patience
God wait on us
She was lost in her failure
GOD DON'T FORSAKE US!
GOD PLEASE FORGIVE THEM!

God....
Why is this so hard for us?
Where is our holiness?
God we long for You
But stubbornly shun You
 
God will they know You?
God turn this around
God draw him closer
She's gone, he's lost
God find them!
God find me!
God find us all
Let us know and accept
Accept and surrender
May he surrender!
May I surrender!
A command against the angel of death
Spiritual, emotional, physical death
Lead us home before it's too late
Father find us, Father surrender, Father amen