Silent Unrest

Here I lie, the darkness so close that I cannot find peace
Eyes wide open as though it were daybreak

But the sun has gone and silence haunts my soul
As my mind runs laps inside my aching skull
My heart pounding inside this weary chest
Every breath, a grim reminder of past and future
Staring back at me

Will morning come or will night prevail?
I cannot bear to look

I -- ignored, insignificant, invalid

Don't you see me?
Crying out from under
Layer on layer of icy snow
Cold, heavy and deep
Piercing screams from a place
Where nothing is shining
No sun, no light
Held down, almost crushed
Suffocating within
Can't you feel me?
Touching your face
Scraping the skin
Using every muscle, every effort
Vying for your attention
Just a glance, your love
Craving, wanting, yearning
Pressure is overwhelming
Torn like a rope, tug of war
Each strand takes its turn
Tearing, shredding, disappearing
Into the night, into the dark, into the cold
Ice and snow... Screaming and weeping
Eclipsed, empty and barren
My cotton throat raw and hollow,
Voided soul, vacant mind is blank

Then silence

Thankful - Day Five

Today I am thankful for coffee and cookies

(Late night +  6AM the next day) + (sugar + caffeine) = Awake despite all odds

Thankful - Day Four

Today I am thankful for choices...

It sometimes seems as though someone or something else
Is running life for you
Like a train on a track that keeps
Going in circles
Stopping when someone, somewhere presses a button
But we forget what strength we have inside
We don't know how we can break free
But somewhere deep within
There is a choice
A choice to go, a choice to stay
A choice to go in circles and a choice to go off track
There is a God given strength in us
Which often lies dormant
Because of ignorance and blindness

Open my eyes, let out that strength
Bring about the changes I need
Through the choices I am given
So I may choose tomorrow and today,
Rather than yesterday and years from now.

Thankful - Day Three

Today I am thankful for things unseen

So many beautiful things above you are missed
while you're busy looking down

Thankful - Day Two

Today I am thankful for family

Floating up above the world
Or falling down below
Emptiness around you
Feeling lost and alone
Unsure, shaken ground
Hurt, offended, broken.

A hand outstretched in love
To pull you back to earth
Support from every side
So you cannot fall too deep
Something to hold onto
Never letting go
Even when our bodies part
Together, one in soul

Thankful - Day One

Today I am thankful for mornings...

I do not recall yesterday unless forced
Only the new day, the fresh air
Possibilities and second chances
Bright white skies outside a window
Where only hours ago darkness shone
Cool warm mist like a shower
Washing away the mistakes and regrets
A choice to change my life today
For tomorrow's morning is unsure
In all its wide eyed glory
Morning may not wake
When next my eyes have closed
So for now I am thankful
Simply for today's morning

To Write Love On Her Arms Day

Among the scars a vine of hope grows precious jewels, symbols of new life and love

Lyrics to one of "Our Songs"

"Diamonds And Coal" by Incubus

If it's good to complicate then both of us are doing fine.
Just keep your eyes on your part and leave me alone to mine.
If it's good to instigate, we're a fast horse, bet on us.
I'm not calling you an animal; I think we just fight too much.

Hey now, in spite of this we're doing just fine
Even diamonds start as coal.
Give us time to shine,
Even diamonds start as coal.

We're both aligned in frame of mind
But circumstance got us good.
And now you're seeing a side of me
I wish no one ever would.
Yeah, if it's right to pick a fight, we're
Fingers in a sugar bowl.
Love isn't perfect, even diamonds start as coal.

Come on, in spite of this we're doing just fine
Even diamonds start as coal.
Give us time to shine,
Even diamonds start as coal.
We're incomplete and infantine
Even diamonds start as coal.

Give it time, the fire feels divine
The sweetest things, they burn before they shine.
We think way too much,
Look at us losing touch!
A promise is a promise until...

Yeah in spite of this we're doing just fine
Even diamonds start as coal.
Give us time to shine,
Even diamonds start as coal.
We're incomplete and infantine
Even diamonds start as coal.

Catawampus

Held in a constant state of holding,
A cold tear rolls down into the corner of a smile,
Heart is pounding while my soul is laughing,
Even in morning, the darkness is here,
Where sunrise and sunset exchanged,
Torn and bleeding, gaping gashes,
Turning into new, ripe skin, ready and willing...

A silver medal in going for the gold,
Turning the corner, to find a culdesac,
Mind over matter, but what mind matters?
Blurry static memory, if only,
Failure to fail, a constant reminder,
Step up to the plate and splinter the bat,
Take up and run but fall through the cracks,
Where is here and there is where?
I cannot see, smoke stings my eyes,
Finally open, only cobwebs and dust,
Nothing, no one, echoes of voices,
But only my own, muffled and coarse,
Here I am, but where are you?
Eternally... YOU, THEY, THEM...
Here I am... but am I here?

Insomnia 101

The dark, heavy blur washes over,

Cackling hideousness,

My ears bleed with voices,

Reality or panic, truth or disease?

Silence... what a precious gem,

A peace like no other,

My eyes burn with barren tears,

Sanity an illusion, black & white or color?

Only louder, blacker, deeper,

Endless as the sea,

My soul gasps for breath,

Surface or submerge, midnight or dawn?

Merry go round in circles,

It stops but I'm still spinning,

My head hits the pillow,

Wide awake & dreaming, goodnight or goodbye?

Sojourn

Above the stars, I wait...
At the door of something bigger,
I lean back, the wind in my hair,
The cold darkness envelops my soul,
Crimson washes over the silver moon,
And I feel my heart beating fast,
Lifting my fingertips one by one,
Slowly relinquishing control of me,
Of life, of death, of my own thoughts,
Putting trust in nothing, no one,
Now my fingertips only feel the air,
My face flush with winter's chill,
I lift my arms to the midnight sky,
Eyes closed, lips open, deep breaths,
Waiting for the warmth of my tears,
But there are none, no proof,
Nothing to negate the emptiness,
Barren soul, not even one tear,
No vaporous cloud from my lips,
Frozen in this precarious place,
Amid crystal fragments, I wait...
Snowflakes shatter the black night,
And I feel the darkness holding me,
Tightly, deeply, safe in it's arms,
Yet the hollow, frigid void inside,
Somewhere deep within I can feel...
Or can I? Who do I trust?
Reality is subjective, truth surreal,
Warmth a myth, cold a fact,
From warmth, what then?
Only to become cold again?
No, I cannot take the step,
But I cannot go back either,
So here my love, I wait...
Feet firm, icy fingers just above,
The frozen stone walls, my friends,
A snowflake lands and melts away,
But crystal lashes still closed firmly,
I cannot know it's warm demise,
For all I know is this... I wait.