I have become something I despise. My reflection is a lonely, broken stranger.
"When everything inside me looks like everything I hate, You are the hope I have for change, You are the only chance I'll take" - Switchfoot
I wake up feeling exhausted and miserable, wishing I had been up hours earlier... then I end my day staring into the darkness of the early morning, wishing for sleep to take me
"Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming, cannot cease for fear of silent night. Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming, the goddess of imaginary light" - Evanescence
My day is a void of nothing, the most menial action is considered a massive achievement in a place where depression takes over.
"I see it around me, I see it in everything. I could be so much more than this...With one hand high, you'll show them your progress. You'll take your time, but no one cares... I need you to show me the way from crazy. I wanna be so much more than this" - Jimmy Eat World
It's not for lack of love or encouragement, I'm only as worthy and as perfect as I view myself.
"All my efforts to clean me leave me putrid and filthy. How can you look at me when I can't stand myself?" - Flyleaf
Trying to fill my days with this and that, forcing myself to grow a social soul... truthfully drains the life out of me.
"Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness? Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness? Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin. I make the right moves but I'm lost within. I put on my daily facade but then I just end up getting hurt again, by myself" - Linkin Park
Dreaming of elopement from all of this, to a quiet island where all I hear are the waves crashing, gulls singing, and a breeze whistling a song of solace.
"I dig my toes into the sand, the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket. I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless. And in this moment, I am happy" - Incubus
Leave it all behind and never look back, starting new and fresh and alone...
"It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb. It's so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone. Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past, bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have. Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back, and never moving forward so there'd never be a past." - Linkin Park
...but I've somehow allowed myself to cleave to one or two. Those few rare gems who make the thought of leaving unbearable.
"You see everything, you see every part. You see all my light and you love my dark. You dig everything of which I'm ashamed. There's not anything to which you can't relate and you're still here. What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know. What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go" - Alanis Morissette
So here I wait, not moving forward and not going back. Stuck in a holding pattern, waiting for life to rescue me and make me feel as though it is worth living.
"Any day now it's gonna start... my real life. Any day now everything's gonna be alright. Any day now, life's gonna get real good and somehow life's gonna be like I said it would" - Bif Naked
Watching from within, I derive and define myself by people, places and things rather than feelings, actions and thoughts. Moods rise and plummet at the drop of a hat, even when the hat was retrieved just a moment later.
"The darkness only stays the night-time, in the morning it will fade away. Daylight is good at arriving at the right time. It's not always going to be this grey. All things must pass" - George Harrison
When will I break through this, move forward as the person I'm meant to be? Learn to be undefined and broken so that I may be healed, rather than hiding behind my own stubborn, futile attempts at control.
"Fiction and reality collide. Faceless and so busted up inside. You've been reaching, you've been crying out. Will you be destroyed by all your doubt? You decide" - Fireflight
My helpless zombie-like stare reflecting the little, big things that I allow into my soul, dragging me down. I never had a chance.
"Had a bad day again. She said I would not understand. She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I had a bad day again" ... She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace, smeared the lipstick on her face. Slammed the door and said, "I'm sorry I had a bad day again" - Fuel
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