Graveyard Shift

Rising like steam, it comes
Infiltrating morning with murky haze
Hard to see, hard to breathe
As though watching life through a screen
Like nothing else, not real, not true
Cringing at every sound
Wondering how close or how far
Uncomfortable, uneasy, unprotected
Blind to the unknown


Seeking and searching, hands reach
To grasp at something, anything familiar
Anything real and tangible in the fog
Fear and doubt seep through cracks
Enemies of the light, creatures of night
Safe and dangerous all at once
Wrapping up in warm embrace
While shivers consume each vertebrae
A numbing daze, transforming


Tomorrow no memory remains
For, like a dream it fades away
But its vengeance still awaits and lurks
In the shadows, in the quiet lull
The next tomorrow comes too soon
Where nightmares seem like dreams
The sun cowers behind the clouds
As the smoky wraith quietly returns
To shroud the horizon once again

Mirage

Being something, but feeling nothing
A curse and a blessing, according to some
Deep within, crying out to be heard
A smiling face, a sliding tear, an angry scowl
Which of these is normal, which is real
When there are none, just an emptiness
The thoughts that once flooded the mind
Burning and spreading like a plague
Plans, failures, hopes, disappointments
Now just a precious, fading mirage
Erased and replaced by the darkness
A blank stare communicating nothing
Just a void inside of well placed armor
Features and feelings only a memory
As the shadows prevail in this nightmare

Just Another Today

One day... not today
But tomorrow... or maybe the next
Was it meant to be yesterday?
Or the day before that?
Who can say, from day to day
When and where we are
Were we meant to be?
Meant to say, meant to do, meant to live?

But for now... for this day
The today that was yesterday's tomorrow
And is tomorrow's yesterday
I will yearn for tomorrow, grieve for yesterday
And try my best to remember
That today is just another day
Until you make it something more
More than just another regret
Just another wasted yearning
Just another yesterday, today

When Skies Are Gray

Like no other, wipe my tears away
Chair rocks front and back, lullaby
Like no other, tender hugs and kisses
Protector, provider, crying shoulder
Like no other, love no matter what
Heart beats and breaks for me
Like no other, holding nothing back
Offering everything you have and more
Like no other, strength from deep inside
Give your all to guard against my fears
Like no other, a light of comfort
Someone when there's no one
Like no other, arms outstretched
No matter what I've said or done
Like no other, I can hardly imagine
Hoping to be half the woman you are

The only greater love than this
Can be God's amazing love
For when I think of you, Mom
This is the closest I've come
To understanding how He can love us
No matter what we've done
This is the incomprehensible, unconditional, perfect, selfless love of our Father...
The love I see modeled in you

Thank you for seeing my sunshine even when the dark consumes and I cannot see for miles away
Happy Mother's Day

Doors Better Left Unopened

I'm way too preoccupied by other people in my life... while none of them probably think on me for more than a few seconds, I stress away over details about people who I am close to or would like to be closer to. I THINK TOO MUCH... Analyzing every word and every action, wondering why or how or what... I put so much of myself into the details... the yeses and nos of friends or so-called friends, their subtle movements or tones while they talk and talk and talk and I just listen and bank those details, while not even being able to remember what I ate for dinner the night prior... I want to give, but I cannot comprehend that there is anything I have worth giving... so I stay silent and introspect to the point of exhaustion and break down... I invite and invite and I host and I host... I stress and consider canceling the day before each event, then enjoy it while it lasts and obsess about what did or didn't, was or wasn't during said event... I feel such a sense of entitlement and deserving, yet hate myself and get sick with disappointment at the mere thought of my existence... I judge and condemn those I disagree with or who have hurt me in some way, then turn around and stick up for them the second anyone else says a bad word about them... I am a loyal bitch. What can I say? I am sensitive yet hardened, judgmental yet open minded, miserable yet ecstatic, mean yet nice... I will give you the benefit of the doubt while expecting the worst of you. Are a few of these screws loose? Probably. But what do I know about carpentry?? I say, this is who I am... love it or leave it. But if you leave it, you better watch out for the aftermath. And if you love it, you better hang on for dear life. Because this roller coaster, free fall, hurricane that is me... it's guaranteed to make you second guess your decision to stay.

Colorfast

Sometimes I feel like the colors have washed out of the fabric of my life...
Like I have been burning inside, bleeding colors into everything around me only to end up faded and empty
That is the reality of this life... feeling so bright and vibrant and real
Until one day (or hour) later, when you're left in the most grey dullness imaginable
Wrung out, limp, emotionless... ready to give up and fade away, as if this life never was real to begin with
As though we were never here... smiles, laughter, tears, screams, all emotions drained out and forgotten
All that's left is the empty stare burning into the white walls surrounding me
Any recollection of passion and motivation, dreams and fantasies, plans and expectations... lost in the fog
Like a coloring book with no pictures to color, no lines to stay within
No beginning and no end, just page after page of nothingness where only hours earlier beautiful pictures lived
Some filled in with care, in a variety of colors... some scribbled and scrawled on, with reckless exhilaration
Minute to minute, hour to hour, month to month, year to year... changes like night and day
Terrifying, exciting, debilitating, comforting, frustrating, eluding, overbearing, welcoming, destroying...
The rise and fall, the beautifully hideous, the perfectly flawed... here today, gone tomorrow inside my mind