Doors Better Left Unopened

I'm way too preoccupied by other people in my life... while none of them probably think on me for more than a few seconds, I stress away over details about people who I am close to or would like to be closer to. I THINK TOO MUCH... Analyzing every word and every action, wondering why or how or what... I put so much of myself into the details... the yeses and nos of friends or so-called friends, their subtle movements or tones while they talk and talk and talk and I just listen and bank those details, while not even being able to remember what I ate for dinner the night prior... I want to give, but I cannot comprehend that there is anything I have worth giving... so I stay silent and introspect to the point of exhaustion and break down... I invite and invite and I host and I host... I stress and consider canceling the day before each event, then enjoy it while it lasts and obsess about what did or didn't, was or wasn't during said event... I feel such a sense of entitlement and deserving, yet hate myself and get sick with disappointment at the mere thought of my existence... I judge and condemn those I disagree with or who have hurt me in some way, then turn around and stick up for them the second anyone else says a bad word about them... I am a loyal bitch. What can I say? I am sensitive yet hardened, judgmental yet open minded, miserable yet ecstatic, mean yet nice... I will give you the benefit of the doubt while expecting the worst of you. Are a few of these screws loose? Probably. But what do I know about carpentry?? I say, this is who I am... love it or leave it. But if you leave it, you better watch out for the aftermath. And if you love it, you better hang on for dear life. Because this roller coaster, free fall, hurricane that is me... it's guaranteed to make you second guess your decision to stay.