Submerged - WFWD

Words From Within the Depths (the me you might not want to read about...) -

Entry #1

I was driving to a family member's house last weekend and thinking, why do people TRY to commit suicide? If you're going to do it, just do it. It's fairly simple to make sure you do it right. I mean, slicing your wrists and waiting to die slowly? Taking some pills with the possibility of brain damage or severe vomiting, while yet again waiting to die slowly? Trying to hang yourself, which has got to be pretty damn painful and usually isn't done right? Eventually someone will find you, in your attempt, take you to the hospital and commit you into treatment. How is that helpful? Why not try something like an axe or a butcher knife to just give one good hack at your neck and end it quickly and absolutely. Makes sense to me. Or... if you don't have the courage or upper body strength for that... why not try all of the above mentioned options all at once? Take a bottle of pills, down a bottle of tequila, slit your wrists, and throw yourself off a building. That should get the job done, one way or another. I always told myself that if I was going to do it, I would do it right. Either lie down on the train tracks at my old house when I was a teenager, or use a gun (which I now know is also not a guaranteed way out, depending on where you aim and how long until someone finds you). And besides, I never knew anyone who owned a gun that wasn't locked up. So, I pretty much never bothered. There were a few "attempts" which were mostly just for attention from my boyfriends. But, I never really tried with the honest intent of suicide. I just figured I don't want to wuss out and screw it up, which would probably be the inevitable result due to the fact that I screw everything up. So, instead I took control of my need to be in control, and I cut my arm. To watch and witness the blood, the effects of my actions... to see that I made that blood flow and that I left that scar... that made me feel like I was in control... Just take a look at my arms and you'll see that I haven't felt in control for a long time...

So anyway... these are my passing thoughts while driving around. Or while sitting around alone during the day... or while lying wide awake at night until 3AM...

And next comes the discussion with the family... well why isn't the medication working anymore? what if they want to up the dosage? then all of the side effects will get worse and I will be a zombie with no libido... why does it work one day and not the next? I thought this was supposed to be temporary to get you through a rough patch... will I ever be done taking it? will I ever "recover"? what is recovery exactly, when it comes to mental illness? shouldn't I know what's wrong with me in the first place, in order to know when I have recovered??

In it's own way, these feelings and this life feels warm and comfortable, like a hot tub. Sinking back into it after being out in the cold, it's a feeling like nothing else. It feels soothing and relaxing, surrounding your body with warmth. After a while it begins to get uncomfortable, being covered in sweat and swelling up from being in there so long. You start to get a headache and you start feel the urge to get out of there, you feel trapped and irritated, snapping at everything and everyone. So you take hold of something and decide to pull yourself out of it. But it's so cold and so empty outside... there's nowhere to go out there except into the masses of people, staring and judging and being happier than you. Maybe you'll just keep your feet in for a while, just to stay warm. But the compromise is not enough, the heat on your legs mixing with the cold outside begins to make you ache to be back in completely. To lower yourself back into the boiling water and be comfortable again. You begin to trail your fingers across the surface of the water, flirting with your deep, dark desires. And there you are again, curled up in the warm safety of where you've always felt most like yourself. And again comes the sweat and irritation and you wonder... what is it like under the bubbles, what is it like to be submerged completely, where no one can see you or pull you out again...

I honestly can't imagine living without this disease, whatever you choose to label it (depression, bipolar, borderline personality, ADD...) It is mine. It is something I understand and I can cling to when I feel like I have no control over anything else in my life... and the irony is that one of my main symptoms is feeling like I can't... I can't do this or I can't NOT do that. I am in control of having no control... and you wonder why I feel like dying...

Puzzling

Doing a puzzle the other night got me thinking about a few things, similarities between puzzles and life. One is, how many different pieces of a puzzle can seem to fit into another piece, but when the picture starts to come together, you soon find out you put it together wrong. Another, the feeling of satisfaction when you put that last piece of a section into place, feeling the edges fit together and seeing the picture come to life gives a feeling like no other. Also, the fact that you can have all of the pieces laid out in front of you, yet you still cannot find that one piece you're searching for. You look over all of them so many times, but still can't find it. You can give up and say, that piece must have gotten lost. Throw the puzzle back into it's box and forget it. Or you can continue to finish the rest of the puzzle, eventually finding that missing piece was there all along. You just had to get rid of some of the clutter to see it clearly.

Sometimes I feel like I can see the picture on the front of the box, I can feel the excitement and drive to make it come to fruition, and I have at the thing like there's no tomorrow. Pieces falling into place all over the board, satisfying me from deep inside... then I get stuck or have something else that needs done and there the puzzle sits, off in the corner, with holes all over it. Waiting until I can get around to it again. Or worse, I see it there waiting to be finished and it starts to get in the way, so I tear it up and put it away to be started all over again some other time. I feel like this the most right now, like I need to start all over again but just don't have the patience or drive I need to work on it. I'm too scared of the table in the corner with the puzzle full of gaps, taunting me and getting in the way. I'm afraid I won't finish it, I'm afraid I'll lose the pieces, or I'm just afraid the picture won't turn out the same as on the box. So how do I finish this puzzle? I am still wondering, as the box sits on a shelf, covered in dust and dreams put on hold. How is it I feel so old at only 26 years of age? Where do I go from here? Who am I when all the pieces are fitted and the picture comes into view? Is this the puzzle I should be working on? Or is there another one out there that would better suit me? And what happens after it is completed? Will I tear apart the puzzle and put it away again? What other ending is there for a puzzle?

One Of Those Mornings

Its one of those mornings. I feel like going to bed and falling asleep and never waking up. That is the best way to describe it. I have not had one of these mornings in a while... but today is one of those mornings.

I just cannot bear the thought of taking one more useless breath or living one more meaningless day. I have so many pains in so many random places at random times and I am sick of complaining. I want to keep it all in and suffer quietly so I dont come off as a whiner or a baby. But thats just not me. I am tired of feeling like a burden and a waste of space.

So, one more morning waking up unrefreshed, unrested, and uninterested in living this day... I feel like going back to bed and never waking up. Its one of those mornings...

Steadfast - A Prayer

Father I know and believe this is where I'm meant to be
You alone know the path I will take, the road I am on
I can only follow blindly, reaching out for Your hand
Steadfast and committed to this plan I believe You believe
I have watched and heard as evil beckoned me to follow
I have, still do take part in these battles against the enemy

Against the dark that never brightens, the wound that never heals
I have wished upon a star for the courage to end this
To feel the sweet oblivion that calls out my name, softly
Still You have brought me back to life numerous times, I know
With promise of a purpose and a meaning, life's beginning
Times will come, and they have, when doubt creeps in deeply
Like the blackest waters, flowing through the cracks
Through dark corners I've neglected, forgotten to seal up

Doubt transforming into anger, hardens everything within
Transforming also into complacency, denial, and regret
Father I pray against the seeping doubt and all it becomes
Draw me close, remind me to be still, to know who You are
To know Your plan for me is sacred, although cloudy
When I'm feeling lost in the haze with nowhere to rest
May You bring me your peace and show me Your way
Father I know and believe this is where I'm meant to be

If That Mockingbird Don't Sing

I have not met you, but I adore you

You are my soul's completion, my muse

Your soft, smooth skin is beauty in my hands

Warm and fresh, your hair begs to be touched

What I would give for the chance, right now

To run my fingertips through the silken strands 

On your tiny, fragile head, full of possibilities

Full of innocence and newness, a blank canvas

To coat and decorate with all of life's colors

Some will be bright and happy, others dark and sad

I vow to be there, as long as our Father allows

To share the joy and the pain of all of your colors

Whether you come from my womb or another

You will come from God and will be a part of me

Your presence is here already, all around me

You're a part of my heart and my soul for always

I know there will be times when you will cause me pain

Heartache, worry, jealousy, and loneliness

But through all of this I promise you will remain

In everything I say and do, just as you already are

You are the future I yearn for, pray for, fight for

I can already see your smile inside of my mind

Such a precious, beautiful gift like rays of heaven

So hold tight, my little love... in patience I await

The day when I will meet you, hold you, and love you

And this life will finally feel complete

To Love Manifested, With Love

Transformation, Reconciliation

Transformation is coming
I can feel it in the wind
I can feel it in my bones
Cool and soft like a breeze
This will be a year of change
For the better, moving up
A rebirth, a reconciliation
With the self that I had lost
Realizing those I'm with
Are not what makes me me
But deep inside, my soul
My depth is what I am
Not a trendy, girly, fake
This has been awakening
My self is clawing from within
Crying out to be released
Transformation, reconciliation
These are my words of 2011, part 2
The year of finding me again

All I Need Without You

Okay so... odd as this is, it came into my mind and out of my pen/keyboard as a rap song, more or less. Take it as a poem or as a song, but when I read it I can hear the beat. Hopefully you can hear it too


I don't understand why it has to percolate, escalate into

Something angry, accusatory, selfish is the word of the day

Love and kindness, turned to violence, frustration

Here's the secret, nothing to it, sing the next verse...

All I need is you
There's nothing in this damned world worth trying for,
Worth crying for, worth dying for
Without you

All consuming, the need to be right, need to be heard

The longer this silence, penetrates and consumes another day

Shit, none of this makes sense to me anymore, four

More minutes till I retreat, hide away all the pain and sing...

All I need is you,
There's nothing in this world worth trying for
Worth crying for, worth dying for
Without you

What else can we say? Going in circles day after day

An uppercut here, a low blow there, how can this be fair?

I can't grasp this, who can mask this? Tears and fears

Here's the secret, something to it, sing the last verse...

All I need is you
There's nothing in this world worth trying for
Worth crying for, worth dying for
Without you

One more breakdown, one more night on the couch

Maybe we'll return to this place, down on our knees

We'll cry out for His grace and the strength to see

Compassion, listening, your side and mind, singing...


All I need is you
There's nothing in this world worth trying for
Worth crying for, worth dying for
Without you

All we need is You
There's nothing in this life worth trying for
Worth crying for, worth dying for
Without You

Hush Little Baby

Peace, dark
Silent, glowing
Beckons from the shadows
Cold, sullen
Bright, blinding
Casts a neverending light
Follow, softly
Sudden, falling
Nightmares trading places
Dreams, fantasy
Beauty, haunting
Dawn breaks on a memory
Forever, yearn
Smile, genuine
Comfort knowing this Truth

DPB

Days
Pass
By

Swirling
Sudden
Hurricane

Winds
Shake
Foundation

Life
Love
Faith

God
After
Thought

Minutes
Turn
Hours

Changing
Losing
Control


Wonder
Worry
Whirling


Stop

Look
Breathe
Years
Turned
Grey

Memories
Faded
Distant

Lost
Forever
Missing


Days
Pass
By

Mother's Day re-post: Empty Arms

I would like to take a moment to wish a happy mothers day to all those who have as yet been robbed of the chance to call themselves a Mom, despite their deep desires and instincts for this title.

That simple word resonates and cuts deep into me on this day, even as I appreciate all of the others mothers in the world. The emptiness echoes every time another pregnancy is announced or another person asks "So when are you two having kids?"...I try to keep it to myself but sometimes it seeps out and builds up a bitterness and a bright green envy...

Here is the poem I wrote and posted on here last spring... just thought it deserved a re-post...

So easy, so simple

Just hold and let go

Wait 3 and check

Vertical or horizontal

Then into the basket

So easy, so simple

So easy, so simple

Cliche commercials

Just a few seconds

Everything changes...

Or nothing does...

So easy, so simple

Let down disappointment

Useless, hopeless,empty

Rock-a-bye silence

Reminders everywhere

Anything but easy

Scared and alone

Terror in a $10 box

Don't judge me, don't leave me

Take on or give away

Anything but simple

So easy, so simple

Little manufactured play house

Just like Mommy

Wound up doll cries and laughs

Plastic childhood dreams

So easy, so simple

A single, quiet tear

Slides down her cheek

A single, quiet tear

Torn from his heart

Slowly breaking down

Confidence and hope

Leaves bitterness and pain

And one lingering question

Why them, not me?

Reflect (Seek and Ye Shall Find)

Did you ever look in the mirror and wonder who exactly it is that you see?
Truly, honestly wonder who you are, what you've become?
Do you see a mother? Do you see a wife? A sister? A waitress? A teacher? A Christian? A friend?
Or do you simply see the reflection of a body, a face?
Do you see the hairs out of place? Do you notice the dark circles of sleepless nights?
The superficial lines of laughter and joy, or the scars and marks of painful past?

What is it that defines our sense of self?
What is it that makes our reflection any different than another?
Does the soul inside shine through our eyes?
Does our job or career come out in our movements and expressions?
Does our role in family's lives translate into the picture we see before us?
Where can our purpose and true self be found? Is it truly something that we can see in the mirror?

Define mirror:

1. highly reflective surface: a surface, e.g. glass or polished metal, that reflects light without diffusing it so that it will give back a clear image of anything placed in front of it
2. something accurately representing something else: something that accurately reproduces, describes, or represents something else
3. reflect something in surface: to reflect something clearly in a surface

A highly reflective surface... Time spent in prayer, reflecting on ourselves may reveal another image than the one we see in that mirror

Reflects light without diffusing it so that it will give back a clear image of anything placed in front of it... In prayer and in life, reflecting God's light and love without diffusing it so that it will give back a clear image of His truth to others. Do we always truly see a "clear image" of ourselves when placed in front of our mirrors in life?

Something accurately representing something else... Now this one feels most familiar to me. Representing something else... the person I see in the mirror does not feel like me. It is representing me, but not always in the way that I want to be represented

Reflect something in surface... Surface. On the surface sometimes what we see is something completely separate from what is truly there, inside. But how do we break through the surface, without shattering the mirror to pieces?

Where am I?
Is this surface reflection something accurate or just something accurately representing something else?
Am I reflecting? Am I giving back a clear image of light?
Where am I within this sheet of glass, within this fragile uncertainty?
How long until the glue gives way, until these shattered pieces turn to dust?

Twenty-Eleven

Dark and dreary raindrops of bad news pour down over my spirit

Every once in a while the sun will shine it's brilliant face by surprise

Soon back to the soggy, sullen dawn as another rainy day begins

First two months of pain and bed-ridden miserable days alone

Next two months of injuries, illness, financial woes, and loss

Praying for a sunny day, for new blooms and green growth

Something, anything beautiful to prove this life is worth it

Shine on me, shine on them, bring new life and let's start again

May this year begin with May, healing and refreshment

This is me, crying out in prayer for the rest of this forsaken year

For Your love, for Your mercy, for Your breath of life and change

“They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goes forth and weeps, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.” – Psalms 126:5-6

"My God, my God why have you forsaken me?" - Psalm 22:1

“The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. And they that know your name will put their trust in you: for you, LORD, have not forsaken them that seek you.” – Psalms 9:9-10

April Echoes

The day my future began

The birth of my soul's muse

The day God saw our life

The birth of this echoing love

The day something started

The birth of chaotic concerto

The day you took first breath

The birth of diamonds and coal

Such a blessing, unexpected

God's first brush strokes

On the canvas of our life

Foresight into this beauty

Amazing, exciting, tumultuous love

~~ For my love, my soul, my husband, my Gizmo~~

Barren

In the grey
Drops of water fall
From the sky
From the grey

But what to do when
Grey hangs over
But no droplets form
Dry and dark
Lost and broken

No way of expression
A stormy, humid mess
Thunder rolling
In the distance

Lightning tears through
Destroying dreams
Shedding light
In flashes
On hopes and plans
Unfulfilled

Blue skies disappear
The sun cowers

Helpless and lonely
The earth cries out
Withering, bleeding
But not a drop will fall

Pinwheel

Turning slowly in a cool Spring breeze

A night spent planning and laughing

Who knew this would be our last?

Barely spinning, stale summer sun

The ground cracks, dry and thirsty

Lonely and confused, I cry

Autumn winds swirl out of control

Everything moves so fast, so soon

Almost forgetting, in the change of it all

Frozen winter, no longer spinning

Family and holidays, a comfort

Yet a grim reminder of your absence

Spring returns, the wind still turns you

Green starts to grow over the pain

A lifetime in the flash of one year

Memories fill my soul, your smile fills my heart

I miss you so much, I think of you often

When I pass by Weidler, a flood of past

Holidays come and go, an emptiness lingers

You were the center, the common ground

We all go about the routines and traditions

But you are there in the back of our minds

I am so thankful for the things you taught me

The time you spent, the life you shared

Your selfless dedication to family and God

I will never forget you, I will always miss you

One year ago, I lost you in the flesh

But I will always hold you close to me

Until the day I can hear you sing again

M. Fern Amand

11/30/1925 - 3/24/2010

Stroke of Rebirth (Wk 1 Challenge)

So my Mom and I have started a weekly writing challenge together. Here is my first week's challenge:
Challenge was to write about new beginnings using the words: change(s), refresh(ed), simple, new, begin(s/ings).



Fairy tale turned backwards
Saying goodbye to yesterday
Challenge to make it on her own

Days of grounded warmth
Giving way to weightless cold
Soles to scales, lungs to gills


A simple back and forth
Her fins press her body forward
Even as she tries to hold back

She can feel the water rushing
Leaving the past behind her
Transformation, cool and refreshing

Something new and wonderful
But deep inside she's terrified
Of solitary choices and changes

Some days she feels the end
Of who she thought she was
Of all she's been telling herself

Normal gets so comfortable
But she was meant for more
Beginning with a swim

A Shot of Anguished Indifference

Walls of white, personality hung by rusty nails
Songs turn in circles on the record player
Everywhere memories hang in the air
Like a musty, damp smell after the flood
Start the morning with absolut denial
Then try to make it through another day
Filling empty hours in bed with strangers
Finally the sun takes its leave for the night
Coat and cover the shame and hurt
A thin layer of beauty as deep as this skin
Night out with plastered smile and machismo
Sailing with the Captain on a sea of gold
Conversation as shallow as the glass in hand
Face down on Egyptian cotton, another salve
Tasteless candy easing pain for the moment
Soon cursed sun rises, as the blood pulses
Easier to stay, just give up and give in
Eventually up, searching for next distraction
Lost in something beyond your years
Fluid movement ahead, yet backward
This cunning snare tears holes deep within
As the days pass by, the rose petals fall
Until nothing by dries up thorns remain

Mourning Morning

Warm and syrupy, morning arrives
With fingers sliding across
A cold, silky pillowcase

I want no more than to feel
The warm comfort easing down
My tired throat

As the sun brings pastel dreams to light
Another day of silent disenchantment
Threatens to bring me down

But lonely though we may be
A fleeting glimpse of balance
Beckons within dawn's foggy dew

In contrast, my soul relates
This sweetness next to bitterness
Symmetry on my breakfast table

Breathe in, Breathe out, Repeat

Soldier on with your shield of gold
Wondering eyes turn toward the sun
As the burning consumes from within
Sparks and flashes of light and love
Taking over a soul once barren
This shimmering madness beckons
Summer storms the gates of winter
When morning breaks free of night
Deeply spreading through the veins
Indescribable warmth, melting away
Our breath can be seen for miles
Signs of life, of moving forward
Forgiving this not so distant past
But never forgetting what has been
Comfort, meaningless without pain
Sunlight, tiresome if no darkness
Smile, pallid apart from sadness
So soldier on with your shield of gold
Carry on, with grace and light
Open the windows of your soul
But hold tight your memories
Of cold, dark, crushing winter
So this sparkling, gilded dream
Forever holds it's peace and truth

Breathe in
Breathe out
Repeat

Washed Away

A brand new day, my life complete
She fills my soul with meaning and light
A sound of crushing, metallic whispers
A rushing of cold, metallic taste
Breathless, lifeless, far away...

~~

Will you follow or will you turn and run?

I am here, watching the sun go down

But your soul is searching, twisting and turning

Waiting for a sign, a light from above

It beckons deliverance, but soon flickers out

And where is this anchor that hold us down

We float and bob as the waves crash

Over and under, in and out

The salty reality that dries my mouth

Is more than I can bear today

Magenta blends into burnt orange

Then burgundy blackness spreads over

When all is blank and empty, silence

Will you follow or will you turn and run?

This is a mirage in the desert, leading you

Pulling and drawing us near to the end

Bold and bright the heat now burns

Sweet, cold solace in a well of tears

This golden fire, extinguished fully

White and pure, uniquely formed

Climbing, one step ahead of the next

These jagged formations of hope

Once again that cold, rushing blue

A blessing, now curses this place

As strongholds slowly slip away

Vast and terrifying down below

Will you follow or will you turn and run?

~~ 

A brand new day, my life restored
She brought me through this hell
A sound of rejoicing, acidic whispers
A rushing of realization, acidic taste
Breathless, lifeless, she could not stay...

Stomp and Grind

Smooth, burgundy sweetness
Flowing and covering up
Uncertain awkward silence
Sounds of laughter replace
Warmth consuming soul

Sparkling blush in the moonlight
Cold cordial from the vine
Condensation drips lightly
 Falls like beauty's touch
 Simple, thoughtless, warm

Blood red, vampire's kiss
Deep, vibrant sunset brings love
Dry and silent, softly savor
A reminder of this moment
Lost inside a loss of self

Dark, comforting therapy
Yesterday's decadence forgotten
Grounds of bitter reality
Bring a sober clean morning
Subtle smirk tells the story

Mornight Rambling

I have become something I despise. My reflection is a lonely, broken stranger.

"When everything inside me looks like everything I hate, You are the hope I have for change, You are the only chance I'll take" - Switchfoot

I wake up feeling exhausted and miserable, wishing I had been up hours earlier... then I end my day staring into the darkness of the early morning, wishing for sleep to take me

"Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming, cannot cease for fear of silent night. Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming, the goddess of imaginary light" - Evanescence

My day is a void of nothing, the most menial action is considered a massive achievement in a place where depression takes over.

"I see it around me, I see it in everything. I could be so much more than this...With one hand high, you'll show them your progress. You'll take your time, but no one cares... I need you to show me the way from crazy. I wanna be so much more than this" - Jimmy Eat World

It's not for lack of love or encouragement, I'm only as worthy and as perfect as I view myself.

"All my efforts to clean me leave me putrid and filthy. How can you look at me when I can't stand myself?" - Flyleaf 

 Trying to fill my days with this and that, forcing myself to grow a social soul... truthfully drains the life out of me.

"Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness? Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness? Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin. I make the right moves but I'm lost within. I put on my daily facade but then I just end up getting hurt again, by myself" - Linkin Park

Dreaming of elopement from all of this, to a quiet island where all I hear are the waves crashing, gulls singing, and a breeze whistling a song of solace.

 "I dig my toes into the sand, the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket. I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless. And in this moment, I am happy" - Incubus

Leave it all behind and never look back, starting new and fresh and alone...

"It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb. It's so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone. Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past, bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have. Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back, and never moving forward so there'd never be a past." - Linkin Park

...but I've somehow allowed myself to cleave to one or two. Those few rare gems who make the thought of leaving unbearable.

"You see everything, you see every part. You see all my light and you love my dark. You dig everything of which I'm ashamed. There's not anything to which you can't relate and you're still here. What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know. What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go" - Alanis Morissette

So here I wait, not moving forward and not going back. Stuck in a holding pattern, waiting for life to rescue me and make me feel as though it is worth living.

"Any day now it's gonna start... my real life. Any day now everything's gonna be alright. Any day now, life's gonna get real good and somehow life's gonna be like I said it would" - Bif Naked

Watching from within, I derive and define myself by people, places and things rather than feelings, actions and thoughts. Moods rise and plummet at the drop of a hat, even when the hat was retrieved just a moment later.

"The darkness only stays the night-time, in the morning it will fade away. Daylight is good at arriving at the right time. It's not always going to be this grey. All things must pass" - George Harrison

When will I break through this, move forward as the person I'm meant to be? Learn to be undefined and broken so that I may be healed, rather than hiding behind my own stubborn, futile attempts at control.

 "Fiction and reality collide. Faceless and so busted up inside. You've been reaching, you've been crying out. Will you be destroyed by all your doubt? You decide" - Fireflight

 
My helpless zombie-like stare reflecting the little, big things that I allow into my soul, dragging me down. I never had a chance.

"Had a bad day again. She said I would not understand. She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I had a bad day again" ... She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace, smeared the lipstick on her face. Slammed the door and said, "I'm sorry I had a bad day again" - Fuel