Smile and hurl

Written several months ago, but only now publishing... when I re-read it I didn't even remember writing it... The mind is a strange and dangerous, confusing place...

Sometimes I kill myself inside my mind
I wake up and every part of the day that goes by gets more and more difficult
More difficult to breathe, more difficult to think
More and more difficult just to exist
I want things that my mind cannot grasp and so it shuts down
It tells my body not to move, to sit alone in my cocoon
Smile as the world flies by, as my life flies by
Paralyzed, absolutely paralyzed by something I dont understand
Something I cannot comprehend, even if I think I'm getting close
They say pray, they say trust, they say keep going, keep believing
Keep smiling
Broken, crooked and cracked,
Filthy, sagging, and hideous
This smile is not for sale
This smile is not for what it seems
Cannot be forced or fashioned by someone to whom it doesn't belong
You don't own my smile
My smile... what a silly concept
Unreal, untrue, unimaginable


When I wake up and everything is on my shoulders, standing on the edge
The edge of a slippery, steep, cold slope of today's disappointments
I cannot help but imagine lying there at the top of the hill
Lying there to freeze to death in the cold comfort of the icy hilltop
Where everything is easier, everything is clearer, everything can be seen from up there
How can I rationalize climbing that hill,
Only to hurl myself down to the bottom on these flimsy slabs of metal and plastic?
But to give into the weight of the world on my shoulders
Self absorbed, holier than thou, better than you, control freak, judgmental, bitch
Misunderstood
Misinformed
Misjudged
Misused
Miss Drama Queen

Who am I?
Am I at the top of the mountain, at the bottom, or already hurling through trees and rocks?
Am I smiling, frowning, scowling, crying, or expressionless?
Am I caring, selfless, sentimental, beautiful, amazing, perfect?
Am I ignorant, evil, rude, self righteous, ugly, useless, unlovable?
Is there even a point in wondering?
I am me!
Do you accept me?
Do I even accept me?
Am I even me??
I am... inside me... I am
Who are you?