Stomp and Grind

Smooth, burgundy sweetness
Flowing and covering up
Uncertain awkward silence
Sounds of laughter replace
Warmth consuming soul

Sparkling blush in the moonlight
Cold cordial from the vine
Condensation drips lightly
 Falls like beauty's touch
 Simple, thoughtless, warm

Blood red, vampire's kiss
Deep, vibrant sunset brings love
Dry and silent, softly savor
A reminder of this moment
Lost inside a loss of self

Dark, comforting therapy
Yesterday's decadence forgotten
Grounds of bitter reality
Bring a sober clean morning
Subtle smirk tells the story

Mornight Rambling

I have become something I despise. My reflection is a lonely, broken stranger.

"When everything inside me looks like everything I hate, You are the hope I have for change, You are the only chance I'll take" - Switchfoot

I wake up feeling exhausted and miserable, wishing I had been up hours earlier... then I end my day staring into the darkness of the early morning, wishing for sleep to take me

"Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming, cannot cease for fear of silent night. Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming, the goddess of imaginary light" - Evanescence

My day is a void of nothing, the most menial action is considered a massive achievement in a place where depression takes over.

"I see it around me, I see it in everything. I could be so much more than this...With one hand high, you'll show them your progress. You'll take your time, but no one cares... I need you to show me the way from crazy. I wanna be so much more than this" - Jimmy Eat World

It's not for lack of love or encouragement, I'm only as worthy and as perfect as I view myself.

"All my efforts to clean me leave me putrid and filthy. How can you look at me when I can't stand myself?" - Flyleaf 

 Trying to fill my days with this and that, forcing myself to grow a social soul... truthfully drains the life out of me.

"Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness? Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness? Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin. I make the right moves but I'm lost within. I put on my daily facade but then I just end up getting hurt again, by myself" - Linkin Park

Dreaming of elopement from all of this, to a quiet island where all I hear are the waves crashing, gulls singing, and a breeze whistling a song of solace.

 "I dig my toes into the sand, the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket. I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless. And in this moment, I am happy" - Incubus

Leave it all behind and never look back, starting new and fresh and alone...

"It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb. It's so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone. Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past, bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have. Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back, and never moving forward so there'd never be a past." - Linkin Park

...but I've somehow allowed myself to cleave to one or two. Those few rare gems who make the thought of leaving unbearable.

"You see everything, you see every part. You see all my light and you love my dark. You dig everything of which I'm ashamed. There's not anything to which you can't relate and you're still here. What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know. What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go" - Alanis Morissette

So here I wait, not moving forward and not going back. Stuck in a holding pattern, waiting for life to rescue me and make me feel as though it is worth living.

"Any day now it's gonna start... my real life. Any day now everything's gonna be alright. Any day now, life's gonna get real good and somehow life's gonna be like I said it would" - Bif Naked

Watching from within, I derive and define myself by people, places and things rather than feelings, actions and thoughts. Moods rise and plummet at the drop of a hat, even when the hat was retrieved just a moment later.

"The darkness only stays the night-time, in the morning it will fade away. Daylight is good at arriving at the right time. It's not always going to be this grey. All things must pass" - George Harrison

When will I break through this, move forward as the person I'm meant to be? Learn to be undefined and broken so that I may be healed, rather than hiding behind my own stubborn, futile attempts at control.

 "Fiction and reality collide. Faceless and so busted up inside. You've been reaching, you've been crying out. Will you be destroyed by all your doubt? You decide" - Fireflight

 
My helpless zombie-like stare reflecting the little, big things that I allow into my soul, dragging me down. I never had a chance.

"Had a bad day again. She said I would not understand. She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I had a bad day again" ... She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace, smeared the lipstick on her face. Slammed the door and said, "I'm sorry I had a bad day again" - Fuel

Peaces of Silence

My verse for this period of life, that I keep coming back to:

 

"Be still and know that I am God" - Psalm 46:10

 

Such a simple statement, but a lot is to be gained from that small verse... Be still, calm down and stop and wait (a lot of countries/religions have prayer times and healings that last for hours or even days, just sitting in silence praying)

And know that I am God... that encompasses so much. Know that I am God! That means He is more powerful and more strong than anything else coming at us! It means He is always there, He is always watching out for what is meant to be and what is right for us.

Also:

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:37-39

More than conquerors... we have the power, through Him, to conquer all of these worries, struggles, stresses, illness, anything! 

 

The key thing hidden in both of these verses is... We have to choose to accept it and use the power to be a conqueror... we have to choose to accept and admit our own failures and missteps. We must be still and contemplate, pray, meditate on things, or sometimes just be still... period. This country is constantly going, moving, working, eating, drinking, living. We have forgotten the value of silence and rest, true rest and true silence (inward, as well as outward). We wonder why there are so many heart problems, anger issues, digestive problems, and mental issues. We have shorted out our circuits and can no longer function! We need to take time to be still and know that He has our backs. He is God! He is our strength, He knows our troubles and HE can handle it! When we accept this and surrender to Him, then we can begin to heal and to breathe and to conquer! 

So, this holiday season... chill, relax, laugh, love, rest, smile! If something doesn't get done, someone doesn't get a card/gift, or you are late for a Christmas party... so what? The world will not shatter and life will not end! If someone says something or does something you don't like, be the bigger person and get over it! Pray for them to realize they're wrong (if they are) or pray for YOU to be free of your pride (if they aren't). And if there is something going on in your life that is bigger than all that, then realize that you cannot handle it on your own. Cast your burdens on Jesus and rest in His love and His peace and His strength. Be still and know that He is God and that YOU are more than a conqueror, through Him!

Take Five

It has been 5 years... I still cannot grasp how quickly these years have passed. Seems only yesterday we were walking down the path at Linear. Taking cautious steps toward something new, something exciting and different. Something that would end up being so amazing and so unexpectedly beautiful.
I think of the term "take five"... a rest, a time of reflection, a time to gather thoughts and move forward. It is appropriate for our 5th anniversary to take time to reflect on the past and all we've been through together and gather our thought for moving into our future together. To rest in our love and in God's love for us. I love you and I am so excited to "take five" with my best friend, my love, my soul. Happy anniversary, to my husband of 5 unbelievable years and a toast to many more


Tribute to a love I had not known
That which I had so yearned for
Amazing blessing from my Father
Something I have not earned
Yet given freely to have and hold
Interlaced and joined for a lifetime
Today I thank God for this gift
In humility, I pray for years ahead
To go by slow enough to cherish
Graceful pages filled with memories

I pray for hills gone over together
For beautiful aged gray embrace Polishing silver and golden unity
Forever may our hands interlace


This is my solemn vow to You
To never forget this beauty, this life
His smile like a sunrise at my beckon call
His touch, as close as heaven comes
On this earth, comfort like a warm blanket
Believing in me and challenging my dark
As I scream disappointment and doubt
He extracts apologetic love from places
I alone cannot find, desperately searching
Together we will plant our flag, stake claim
To this unexpected, sudden new world
Of ups and downs, relinquishing control
For better or worse, sickness and health
Today, tomorrow, forever
Yes, of course... I do

Honey, I'm Home

Shotgun at the ready, cocked and loaded
Thinking about doing away with these plans
Thinking of letting loose and letting go
Shooting holes in white picket fences
Giving up like a good quitter should
No more wishing and hoping and thinking and praying
For something that may never come to pass
And why should it? Why me over you?
I surely don't deserve any more than I have
But maybe there's a small chance that I do
But is what I deserve truly what I want?
Do I even know what I want anymore?
Wanting and needing
Thinking and knowing
Don't always mesh, don't always work
Who am I to decide? Just a vessel, I suppose
My own best friend, my own worst enemy

In reality, just a coward inside
My thoughts, feelings, and plans
A more bold and exciting version of me
Exists on the flip side of this person I've become
But reality spins me full circle again
Never follow through, never take a stand
So I'll carefully slide it back into the holster
Warm on my hip, it sleeps and waits
For my mind is a carousel, spinning in circles
Each thought passes round, then gone in flash
But you can be sure, it will return again
In one revolution of this torturous ride
Where the music stops, the thoughts subside
Nobody knows, so I sit and stare
My mind spinning around and around
Right before my bloodshot eyes

Obsolete

Folded like origami
Into shapes and sizes
Out of pieces
Torn and discarded

Scraps of fiber
Woven tightly into something
Warm and comforting
Beautiful

Leftover portions
Blend into one flavor
One of a kind
A recipe to cherish

Broken, shattered granules
Ground into almost nothing
Together, like a blanket
A playground of summer smiles

Collages made of things once deemed useless
Connected and combined, they form a special something
Something of value, of worth, of meaning
Never look at little pieces, scars, decisions, memories...
As something to be thrown away, forgotten, ignored
All these tiny things have their purpose and can be used
Nothing useless, nothing worthless, nothing pointless
Something good can come of this
Something amazing from something ordinary
Do not give up on it, just because it looks like nothing
For without nothing... Something has no meaning

Life In A Blur

These yearnings and hesitations keep fighting one another for a compromise that seems impossible. Perfectionism and laziness lock horns and keep me sedentary. A losing battle, a hopeless cause, confusing and consuming, I cannot stand it any longer. Others start to notice and point out the lack of change. What if this never goes away? What if that never comes to pass? One day all the yesterdays will catch up with me, then I'll be old and disappointed, disheartened, disenchanted... with nothing to show for myself except a lifetime of what ifs and somedays, stuck in a rut, making excuses, hiding behind or running away from failures that were never given a chance to fail. Each second turns to hours, which multiply to months, and soon a decade has gone by like a tornado... never saw it coming and now it's gone. Life... such a complicated, frustrating, exciting, depressing word. Is it a blessing or a curse? Who is really living it? When will it end or begin... and will I know the difference? Blurring fantasy with reality, today with yesterday... not knowing how to make distinctions needed in order to do something so simple. To live and breathe, just to make it through... one day at a time