Exposed

Ribbon tied tightly to hold back strands of your shroud
What has hidden your face from the others for so long
Covering tears and sadness creeping down your cheek
Blushing inner beams of attraction, bashful glances
Angry furrowing brow, fuming scowls of rage
Blank and empty stares, numbing every feeling
All these and others are now exposed for all to see

Suddenly the urge to pull, freeing locks of comfort
Pretenses returning to their place, ready and waiting
Your hands nervously fidget with the silky laces
As you fight to keep the smile from breaking
Plan once designed to preserve precious self worth
Now feeling like temptation to become like them
Unapologetic, show your face, your truth, your soul
Keep the ribbon tied tight, emotion reads sincerity
Pull it loose to hide in shame the mess that you are

Have you become such a coward? Who are you?
Maybe veils are easier, be safe, ignored and unheard
But authentic self, unafraid and unashamed courage
Proudly walking in your own truth, is it worth this?
And what happens when you've disguised too long?
When truth is blurred and broken, self is lost in shadows
What then will become of you? Faceless and mute
Passing through the crowds like a ghost, unseen, unheard
Velvet ribbon now lies shredded and stained underfoot
And raven tresses rejoin the facade to keep you lost
Hidden inside yourself, as melancholy sighs in the dark

Smile and hurl

Written several months ago, but only now publishing... when I re-read it I didn't even remember writing it... The mind is a strange and dangerous, confusing place...

Sometimes I kill myself inside my mind
I wake up and every part of the day that goes by gets more and more difficult
More difficult to breathe, more difficult to think
More and more difficult just to exist
I want things that my mind cannot grasp and so it shuts down
It tells my body not to move, to sit alone in my cocoon
Smile as the world flies by, as my life flies by
Paralyzed, absolutely paralyzed by something I dont understand
Something I cannot comprehend, even if I think I'm getting close
They say pray, they say trust, they say keep going, keep believing
Keep smiling
Broken, crooked and cracked,
Filthy, sagging, and hideous
This smile is not for sale
This smile is not for what it seems
Cannot be forced or fashioned by someone to whom it doesn't belong
You don't own my smile
My smile... what a silly concept
Unreal, untrue, unimaginable


When I wake up and everything is on my shoulders, standing on the edge
The edge of a slippery, steep, cold slope of today's disappointments
I cannot help but imagine lying there at the top of the hill
Lying there to freeze to death in the cold comfort of the icy hilltop
Where everything is easier, everything is clearer, everything can be seen from up there
How can I rationalize climbing that hill,
Only to hurl myself down to the bottom on these flimsy slabs of metal and plastic?
But to give into the weight of the world on my shoulders
Self absorbed, holier than thou, better than you, control freak, judgmental, bitch
Misunderstood
Misinformed
Misjudged
Misused
Miss Drama Queen

Who am I?
Am I at the top of the mountain, at the bottom, or already hurling through trees and rocks?
Am I smiling, frowning, scowling, crying, or expressionless?
Am I caring, selfless, sentimental, beautiful, amazing, perfect?
Am I ignorant, evil, rude, self righteous, ugly, useless, unlovable?
Is there even a point in wondering?
I am me!
Do you accept me?
Do I even accept me?
Am I even me??
I am... inside me... I am
Who are you?

The Words

Sometimes words just flow like tears
Coming on suddenly, without warning
Lasting for what seems like forever
But never expressing enough
There will always be more to come
Deep within, it creeps to the surface
Dormant for so long, it bleeds out
Dripping with emotion, ups and downs
Often with despair, often with joy

Sometimes, however... they do not come
The silence inside is overwhelming
Cracking like dry clay, wasting away
The emptiness takes hold of all
As though nothing real or true remains
Consuming fire turns triumph to ashes
Cobwebs and dust begin to take shape
Time sweeps by, days turn to months
Seems as though the words will never return

What a fickle thing these words are
Coming and going as they please
Filling the soul with frustration, confusion
Indecisive and volatile, with golden breath
They breathe hope, then grief to our hearts
They bring us closer, while tearing us apart
A writer's curse, the broken mind
When words come calling, a rush of life
But when they forsake us, silent ruins

Anxiety Revealed

Keeping on, like masks from an old trunk in the attic
When there is nothing, here you will find something
To be confronted with this dusty old cobweb
Of buried emotions and hidden memories, thoughts
Arisen from ashes once sealed with a smile
For tomorrow has come, baring jagged teeth
Consume your soul with doubt and avoidance
No longer will you think, cry, laugh... feel
But motion by motion you'll be led to forget
And re-position the smile and mechanical moves
That keep you going and going until the end
When all of your masks will hide nothing but regret

Choice

Breathe in and out
Take a moment
Stop and listen
Wait for the light

Red to green
Skipping amber
Move forward again
Give it all away

You cannot say
This is in your mind
All in your head
Not screwed on tight

Searing and sizzling
Sounds of choices
Spinning around around
Never slowing down

Then green turns to red
Skipping amber
Sudden and forced
Heart is pounding

Hit the ground
Look up, finally
Missed your chance
All alone and cold

The rats come creeping
Out from sewers
Ready for you to go
Home to the depths

Now you realize
Selfish denial relived
As the gates open
And the flames rise

Sickening grin flashes
As serpent slinks away
Into the darkness
Leaves only silence

A Little Bit Of Everything

When I remember my Grandma I think about a little bit of everything

A little bit of her kind heart, a little bit of her brave spirit, of her feisty sense of humor, a little bit of her warm smile, of her generous nature, and more than a little bit of her faith in God

Just like at family dinners, where she would always try a little bit of everything

She was always willing and open to finding the good in what she was given

You would never spend more than 5 minutes with her without seeing a smile on her face

She was not one for petty gossip or judgment, and always had good things to say about someone

She loved her family and her church and would take interest in anything you were willing to share

You could plan to visit for only a short time and end up spending hours at the house

Simply because she would ask about everything and would listen to every word

All while offering you anything but the kitchen sink (and maybe even that, if you asked nicely)

A fridge stocked with sodas and ice cream, an envelope full of coupons, duplex cookies in the brown tin, licorice bites from the cross-stitched jar, or pink thingies from the tupperware canister

You could always feel welcomed and accepted at Grandma and Grandpa's

They have given such a beautiful example of family and they are a shining light of hope for marriage

If the term "fighting like an old married couple" could be found in the dictionary

There would be a picture of my grandparents along with it

They bickered about what day who called or what grandpa ordered last time they were out

Of course this almost always came to the conclusion that grandma was right and grandpa was wrong

But just inside the bickering was an obvious deep love and respect for one another

A love that anyone who met them could tell would last forever

I thank God that I was blessed to spend my life in the company of this love and in the company of such an extraordinary woman, my grandmother

~ RIP ~ Mabel Fern Amand "Grandma" ~ 1925-2010 ~
Obituary Link 

Fragility

Fragile is life
One day we are laughing
The next we are grieving

Morning shines us awake
Darkness comes within hours

Fragile is life
Selfish feuds seem so silly
When today is all we have
Beauty in knowing one another
Accepting, flaws and all

Fragile is life
Today is a gift
Tomorrow a privilege
Please remember me after
Please love me before

Fragile is life
Warmth becoming cold
So sudden, without warning
Cherish and hold dear
Value in one another

**~~**

For fragile lives perish
Gone in an instant
Past cannot be found
When future is here
So hold onto today
Don't wait for tomorrow
As a painting on the wall
The contrast in our lives
Makes for precious art

Love, live, be
Never let the moon rise
Before you've basked in the sunlight
Never let the stars shine
Before you've bathed in the blue sky
Feel the warmth, feel the beauty
That is life

Fragile is life
Take good care
Before it shatters and fades away