Submerged - WFWD

Words From Within the Depths (the me you might not want to read about...) -

Entry #1

I was driving to a family member's house last weekend and thinking, why do people TRY to commit suicide? If you're going to do it, just do it. It's fairly simple to make sure you do it right. I mean, slicing your wrists and waiting to die slowly? Taking some pills with the possibility of brain damage or severe vomiting, while yet again waiting to die slowly? Trying to hang yourself, which has got to be pretty damn painful and usually isn't done right? Eventually someone will find you, in your attempt, take you to the hospital and commit you into treatment. How is that helpful? Why not try something like an axe or a butcher knife to just give one good hack at your neck and end it quickly and absolutely. Makes sense to me. Or... if you don't have the courage or upper body strength for that... why not try all of the above mentioned options all at once? Take a bottle of pills, down a bottle of tequila, slit your wrists, and throw yourself off a building. That should get the job done, one way or another. I always told myself that if I was going to do it, I would do it right. Either lie down on the train tracks at my old house when I was a teenager, or use a gun (which I now know is also not a guaranteed way out, depending on where you aim and how long until someone finds you). And besides, I never knew anyone who owned a gun that wasn't locked up. So, I pretty much never bothered. There were a few "attempts" which were mostly just for attention from my boyfriends. But, I never really tried with the honest intent of suicide. I just figured I don't want to wuss out and screw it up, which would probably be the inevitable result due to the fact that I screw everything up. So, instead I took control of my need to be in control, and I cut my arm. To watch and witness the blood, the effects of my actions... to see that I made that blood flow and that I left that scar... that made me feel like I was in control... Just take a look at my arms and you'll see that I haven't felt in control for a long time...

So anyway... these are my passing thoughts while driving around. Or while sitting around alone during the day... or while lying wide awake at night until 3AM...

And next comes the discussion with the family... well why isn't the medication working anymore? what if they want to up the dosage? then all of the side effects will get worse and I will be a zombie with no libido... why does it work one day and not the next? I thought this was supposed to be temporary to get you through a rough patch... will I ever be done taking it? will I ever "recover"? what is recovery exactly, when it comes to mental illness? shouldn't I know what's wrong with me in the first place, in order to know when I have recovered??

In it's own way, these feelings and this life feels warm and comfortable, like a hot tub. Sinking back into it after being out in the cold, it's a feeling like nothing else. It feels soothing and relaxing, surrounding your body with warmth. After a while it begins to get uncomfortable, being covered in sweat and swelling up from being in there so long. You start to get a headache and you start feel the urge to get out of there, you feel trapped and irritated, snapping at everything and everyone. So you take hold of something and decide to pull yourself out of it. But it's so cold and so empty outside... there's nowhere to go out there except into the masses of people, staring and judging and being happier than you. Maybe you'll just keep your feet in for a while, just to stay warm. But the compromise is not enough, the heat on your legs mixing with the cold outside begins to make you ache to be back in completely. To lower yourself back into the boiling water and be comfortable again. You begin to trail your fingers across the surface of the water, flirting with your deep, dark desires. And there you are again, curled up in the warm safety of where you've always felt most like yourself. And again comes the sweat and irritation and you wonder... what is it like under the bubbles, what is it like to be submerged completely, where no one can see you or pull you out again...

I honestly can't imagine living without this disease, whatever you choose to label it (depression, bipolar, borderline personality, ADD...) It is mine. It is something I understand and I can cling to when I feel like I have no control over anything else in my life... and the irony is that one of my main symptoms is feeling like I can't... I can't do this or I can't NOT do that. I am in control of having no control... and you wonder why I feel like dying...

Puzzling

Doing a puzzle the other night got me thinking about a few things, similarities between puzzles and life. One is, how many different pieces of a puzzle can seem to fit into another piece, but when the picture starts to come together, you soon find out you put it together wrong. Another, the feeling of satisfaction when you put that last piece of a section into place, feeling the edges fit together and seeing the picture come to life gives a feeling like no other. Also, the fact that you can have all of the pieces laid out in front of you, yet you still cannot find that one piece you're searching for. You look over all of them so many times, but still can't find it. You can give up and say, that piece must have gotten lost. Throw the puzzle back into it's box and forget it. Or you can continue to finish the rest of the puzzle, eventually finding that missing piece was there all along. You just had to get rid of some of the clutter to see it clearly.

Sometimes I feel like I can see the picture on the front of the box, I can feel the excitement and drive to make it come to fruition, and I have at the thing like there's no tomorrow. Pieces falling into place all over the board, satisfying me from deep inside... then I get stuck or have something else that needs done and there the puzzle sits, off in the corner, with holes all over it. Waiting until I can get around to it again. Or worse, I see it there waiting to be finished and it starts to get in the way, so I tear it up and put it away to be started all over again some other time. I feel like this the most right now, like I need to start all over again but just don't have the patience or drive I need to work on it. I'm too scared of the table in the corner with the puzzle full of gaps, taunting me and getting in the way. I'm afraid I won't finish it, I'm afraid I'll lose the pieces, or I'm just afraid the picture won't turn out the same as on the box. So how do I finish this puzzle? I am still wondering, as the box sits on a shelf, covered in dust and dreams put on hold. How is it I feel so old at only 26 years of age? Where do I go from here? Who am I when all the pieces are fitted and the picture comes into view? Is this the puzzle I should be working on? Or is there another one out there that would better suit me? And what happens after it is completed? Will I tear apart the puzzle and put it away again? What other ending is there for a puzzle?

One Of Those Mornings

Its one of those mornings. I feel like going to bed and falling asleep and never waking up. That is the best way to describe it. I have not had one of these mornings in a while... but today is one of those mornings.

I just cannot bear the thought of taking one more useless breath or living one more meaningless day. I have so many pains in so many random places at random times and I am sick of complaining. I want to keep it all in and suffer quietly so I dont come off as a whiner or a baby. But thats just not me. I am tired of feeling like a burden and a waste of space.

So, one more morning waking up unrefreshed, unrested, and uninterested in living this day... I feel like going back to bed and never waking up. Its one of those mornings...

Steadfast - A Prayer

Father I know and believe this is where I'm meant to be
You alone know the path I will take, the road I am on
I can only follow blindly, reaching out for Your hand
Steadfast and committed to this plan I believe You believe
I have watched and heard as evil beckoned me to follow
I have, still do take part in these battles against the enemy

Against the dark that never brightens, the wound that never heals
I have wished upon a star for the courage to end this
To feel the sweet oblivion that calls out my name, softly
Still You have brought me back to life numerous times, I know
With promise of a purpose and a meaning, life's beginning
Times will come, and they have, when doubt creeps in deeply
Like the blackest waters, flowing through the cracks
Through dark corners I've neglected, forgotten to seal up

Doubt transforming into anger, hardens everything within
Transforming also into complacency, denial, and regret
Father I pray against the seeping doubt and all it becomes
Draw me close, remind me to be still, to know who You are
To know Your plan for me is sacred, although cloudy
When I'm feeling lost in the haze with nowhere to rest
May You bring me your peace and show me Your way
Father I know and believe this is where I'm meant to be

If That Mockingbird Don't Sing

I have not met you, but I adore you

You are my soul's completion, my muse

Your soft, smooth skin is beauty in my hands

Warm and fresh, your hair begs to be touched

What I would give for the chance, right now

To run my fingertips through the silken strands 

On your tiny, fragile head, full of possibilities

Full of innocence and newness, a blank canvas

To coat and decorate with all of life's colors

Some will be bright and happy, others dark and sad

I vow to be there, as long as our Father allows

To share the joy and the pain of all of your colors

Whether you come from my womb or another

You will come from God and will be a part of me

Your presence is here already, all around me

You're a part of my heart and my soul for always

I know there will be times when you will cause me pain

Heartache, worry, jealousy, and loneliness

But through all of this I promise you will remain

In everything I say and do, just as you already are

You are the future I yearn for, pray for, fight for

I can already see your smile inside of my mind

Such a precious, beautiful gift like rays of heaven

So hold tight, my little love... in patience I await

The day when I will meet you, hold you, and love you

And this life will finally feel complete

To Love Manifested, With Love

Transformation, Reconciliation

Transformation is coming
I can feel it in the wind
I can feel it in my bones
Cool and soft like a breeze
This will be a year of change
For the better, moving up
A rebirth, a reconciliation
With the self that I had lost
Realizing those I'm with
Are not what makes me me
But deep inside, my soul
My depth is what I am
Not a trendy, girly, fake
This has been awakening
My self is clawing from within
Crying out to be released
Transformation, reconciliation
These are my words of 2011, part 2
The year of finding me again

All I Need Without You

Okay so... odd as this is, it came into my mind and out of my pen/keyboard as a rap song, more or less. Take it as a poem or as a song, but when I read it I can hear the beat. Hopefully you can hear it too


I don't understand why it has to percolate, escalate into

Something angry, accusatory, selfish is the word of the day

Love and kindness, turned to violence, frustration

Here's the secret, nothing to it, sing the next verse...

All I need is you
There's nothing in this damned world worth trying for,
Worth crying for, worth dying for
Without you

All consuming, the need to be right, need to be heard

The longer this silence, penetrates and consumes another day

Shit, none of this makes sense to me anymore, four

More minutes till I retreat, hide away all the pain and sing...

All I need is you,
There's nothing in this world worth trying for
Worth crying for, worth dying for
Without you

What else can we say? Going in circles day after day

An uppercut here, a low blow there, how can this be fair?

I can't grasp this, who can mask this? Tears and fears

Here's the secret, something to it, sing the last verse...

All I need is you
There's nothing in this world worth trying for
Worth crying for, worth dying for
Without you

One more breakdown, one more night on the couch

Maybe we'll return to this place, down on our knees

We'll cry out for His grace and the strength to see

Compassion, listening, your side and mind, singing...


All I need is you
There's nothing in this world worth trying for
Worth crying for, worth dying for
Without you

All we need is You
There's nothing in this life worth trying for
Worth crying for, worth dying for
Without You